At an exclusive press meeting in which I gained access, Rooney, dressed in an expensive Tommy Hilfiger track suit, said he wanted to stay at Utd and play "sexy football". Some femalejornos swooned and collapsed on hearing these words. Rooney repeated what he said emphasising he wanted to play sexy football on the pitch and off it. (Big cheers from the press).
Flanked by Sir Alex on one side, the Glazed family on the other and a lap dancer laying on he floor with her foot pointing at Rooney's groin.
Rooney stressed being brought up in the slagheap of Merseyside he learned his trade, as a YtS trainee at Everton he honed his skills on the rubble strewn training ground of Everton.
Sir Alex his nose still red from having a tipple praised Roooney, he said Rooney was a good role model and Rooney deserved a wage rise. Rooney took the microphone and said he was going to rejuvenate Man Utd. (Rapturous applause from the press) by playing sexy football.
Wayne said UTD had to follow his plan. He said utd fans had to stop calling him porky,Shrek and other hurtful names.. He called on the Stretford End section leaders to cease their villefying chants against him.
The Glazier family he said should leave Utd and buy Man City if they wanted a fiefdom. Sir Alex in his unintelligible english said this was done (although to many it sounded like dung).
Roon then told the press the idea was never to leave Utd but bring awareness to Utd that he wanted to play sexy football not like Cruyff or Best or Maradonna but in his own way.
He was not doing it for money and would sue any newspaper who said he was. Wayne also let it be known that if he had not succeeded he would have joined Chelsea where England team mates like Cole, Terry and Lampard said they would like to play sexy football on and off the pitch.