Brett Favre apologizes for inappropriate texts sent to Vikings

Funny story written by rvler9201

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

image for Brett Favre apologizes for inappropriate texts sent to Vikings
Favre insisted on numerous occasions that he was not a washed-up old man well past his prime

MINNEAPOLIS, MN-In a tearful press conference yesterday morning, a contrite Brett Favre apologized for a series of improper text messages sent to Vikings staff informing them that he was in great health and perfectly committed to a playoff run with his team. Favre was forced to admit that he lied repeatedly to Vikings management, and was fully aware of his diminished physical capabilities.

"Over the previous summer, I sent a number of messages to Vikings players and coaches that were inappropriate and untrue," read Favre from a prepared statement. " I categorically stated that I was in excellent health, that my arm had never felt better, and that I still had the child-like enthusiasm for the game I had long ago. These were all lies. This was completely uncalled for, and I wish to extend my deepest apologies to my teammates and my family."

Rumors of allegedly untrue communications from Favre to the Vikings surfaced last week, quickly escalating when a Vikings employee claimed to have verifiably false transmissions from Favre concerning his health and ability to play. Both the quarterback and the organization refused to comment initially, with Favre at one point telling a reporter that the allegations would "take its course." When several messages were leaked to the media on Monday, Favre came clean.

"I never meant for it to go this far," admitted the signal-caller. "I hoped my ankle surgery wouldn't go too well, so I just spewed a bunch of B.S. hoping I'd be forced to retire. But that didn't happen."

In one message Favre tells head coach Brad Childress that he "Is at 100%" and that he is "ready 2 bring a SUper bowl 2 minnesota", both of which have been proved to be demonstrably false. Favre also sent a text message to Vikings QB coach Kevin Rogers in August saying, "cant com 2 training camp rite now, got to shoot a Wrangler commercial, talk 2 ya soon," though Wrangler studios was able to confirm no commercial was scheduled to be shot that day.

Favre, who has thrown five touchdowns and seven interceptions in four games and has a quarterback rating of 67, admitted that he is in no shape to lead a football team and at no point had any intention of seriously doing so.

"I'm 41," the future Hall-of-Famer said through tears. "I just can't do this anymore. I just don't know how to do anything else, OK? I know I should've retired in '07. But what the hell else am I gonna do? I need to get paid."

In addition to the texts, Favre also allegedly sent graphic photos and videos to the Vikings, including a 30-second clip of Favre apparently completing a 40-yard pass to a high school student, as well as an MRI image of a healthy adult arm. Favre has tacitly admitted both were forgeries.

The 1-3 Vikings, who in July Favre had claimed to be "totally committed" to, are now fading quickly in the NFC North, and may be forced to turn to backup Tarvaris Jackson. Favre described Jackson in early September as "not havin any uf my game."

Favre's teammates have not been forgiving. "I feel betrayed," new wideout Randy Moss told reporters. "I mean, a guy tells you he's on board and there's no problems whatsoever, and behind the scenes he's just being a lying douchebag? That's pretty low."

At press, it is unsure what disciplinary Favre will face from the League. Commissioner Goodell would not comment directly, only saying, "It is our policy to deal with Brett Favre's amazing assholery on a case-by-case basis."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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