Written by IainB

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

image for Britain win gold in the Commonwealth Diving
These warnings adorn every pool at the event

British diver, Simon Legg, has swept the board at the diving in the Delhi Commonwealth games today as the only competitor to take part in the event. Gold was virtually guaranteed as long as he could complete the event, and as the event, once started, will always be completed, Legg had it sewed up seconds into his routine.

Legg has paid for his haul of gold, however, as repeated dunking in the pool has resulted in picking up leprosy, cholera and dysentery with a suspected parasitic infestation of his left testicle.

"It was worth it," Legg said after winning the thirty metre board event. "All I had to do was fall in and I'd won."

None of the other competitors who were scheduled to take part in the diving dared jump into the pool, and had run away screaming.

"Admittedly, the water looked quite filthy," Legg said between bouts of coughing and vomiting. "But I persevered for my country. The hardest event was the thirty metre dive, the climb up was difficult, what with the diarrhoea and all. Plus I fell off the board when I had a coughing fit, but still won anyway."

Legg has one more event in the diving to do. The forty metre board. However, even Legg is dubious about taking part in this event.

"It wouldn't be too bad if they'd finished the pool," said Legg. "However, they'd not sealed that diving pool and it has no water in it."

Legg is hoping to take part in the para-commonwealth games next, due to an eye infection rendering him virtually blind.

Legg's contributions put Britain top of the medal chart.

They are also bottom of the medal chart.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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