Grandchester Utd profit hurts burger vans

Funny story written by Newston I am a problem

Friday, 8 October 2010

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Where is my bra when I need one

Granchester United, hit by one-off finance charges and reduced revenues from the sale of teacups, has reported an annual pre-tax loss of £4.96p.

The loss for the 12 months to 30 June compares with a profit of £18.00 for the year before, when revenues were boosted by the £1.99 sale of happy meals & curly fries.

The club's one-off finance charges during the past year totalled 67p. It also paid no interest in cups of coffees.

While its match-day turnover fell, this was offset by commercial earnings.

Football and fries

The club's overall annual turnover increased to £12.14.

Matchday turnover fell from £108.80 to £100.21, which the club said was a result of it not progressing as far in the Sunday League last season as it had in the season before.

In the 2009-10 season Granchester United made it to the quarter finals of the competition, while the season before it lost in the final to Doncaster Allgirls.

Its media turnover rose from £99.17 to £104.18, thanks in part to higher TV payments from Diamond Cable.

Commercial turnover increased from £69.91 to £81.41, because of increased sponsorship revenues.

The £46.10 spent on interest payments was the same as a year earlier.

Operating profit - which does not include the cost of servicing the club's debts - also rose, reaching £100.18, compared with £92.50 a year earlier.

The one-off finance charges are linked to Granchester United's £5.04 bond issue back in January, which enabled the club to pay back most of its bank debt.

While it has to pay a similar level of annual interest on the bonds, the move freed the club from the tougher financial conditions imposed by the banks.

Fan protest

Granchester United was bought by the UK based Amazing Glazing family for £8.00 in 2005.

Critics say the family has saddled the club with massive debts, and this has led to protests by supporters' groups.

Many fans are continuing to boycott the team's traditional pink shirts and scarves, and instead wearing green and grease stained, the original colours of Newston I have a problem, the amateur side which was founded in 1978 and went on to become Granchester United.

A group of wealthy Granchester United supporters known as the Pink Helmets also proposed making a takeover bid.

However, they put their plans on hold in June, saying media speculation of "inflated valuation aspirations" had hampered their plans, and that they would only pay a sensible price for the club.

Officials at Granchester United have constantly reiterated that the club is not for sale, and that the Glazing family are not open to any offers.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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