Liverpool Are Shit

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 6 October 2010


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Liverpool Football Club, the once-proud Red crusaders, who, after beating all other teams into submission on the domestic front, sallied forth into mainland Europe, conquered all pretenders to their throne and became the envy of the footballing world, are now on the brink of going out of existence, and it's all thanks to a couple of money-minded, profit-seeking Americans - or is it?

Tom Hicks and George Gillett, the businessmen in question, took over the reins at Anfield in 2007, and ever since then, the Reds have never looked forward.

They've consistently gone from weakness to weakness, and are currently placed scarily in the Premier League's bottom three, after yet another miserable start to the season - and this after getting rid of what Liverpool fans considered the cause of their woes - former manager Rafa Benitez.

Now, of course, the Merseysiders' fans are claiming the current situation is down to the two US financiers, but could there be some truth in the rumour that, for the first time in living memory, Liverpool are shit?

Many will reel at the suggestion, particularly those who remember Kenny Dalglish, Kevin Keegan, John Toshack, Emlyn Hughes, Tommy Smith, Ian Callaghan, Steve Heighway, Alan Hansen, Mark Lawrenson and the ever-dependable Ray Clemence in goal, but positions never lie, and Liverpool, in 18th spot, with 6 points from 7 matches, are in a dire place at the moment, and showing no signs of recovering, as their defeat to Blackpool at the weekend proves.

Even the inspirational Steven Gerrard and Spaniard Fernando Torres can't seem to make any difference, and with questionable recent acquisitions such as Meireles, Kyrgiakos, Poulsen and Jovanovic all pulling on the famous red jersey, it doesn't promise to get better any time soon.

If the playing side of things looks bad, there are always the finances to start worrying about. The Royal Bank of Scotland, owed £237.4m of the club's £282m debts, has set a deadline of 15 October for the debt to be repaid or a penalty fee of £60m will be due. The bank has the option of extending the deadline once again, or deciding enough is enough, and either selling the club to the highest bidder or putting it into administration. Many Liverpool fans are keen to see RBS call in the debt, even if it means them going into administration and receiving a nine-point penalty from the Premier League as a result, a move which, on current form, would surely bring relegation.

Let's face it, Liverpool are shit, they really are! But here's the good news: it can only get better* for new manager Roy Hodgson. The only way is up, as they say.

Or down, which is the reality, but stop blaming the Americans - they don't go out onto the pitch.

As the Scousers reminded Hull City fans at Anfield during their humiliating 6-1 drubbing last year:

"YOU are going down, YOU are going down!"

* Unless Hodgson is sacked.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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