Spoofland: The Pakistani cricket captain today revealed how he and his team, far from being greedy scumbags seeking to line their own pockets, are in fact underpaid and penniless victims of other people's greed.
In an exclusive interview given with me, Captain Smelly Bhatt said: "Unlike other teams, we're not paid tens of thousands of dollars per match. In fact, apart from the air fare and a booking at the local Travelodge made more than 2 weeks in advance so it costs £19 per room, we're paid nothing."
The news is bound to shock cricket fans back home and elsewhere, who always believed that the Pakistani team was very well paid.
Bhatt added "As for bonuses, if we win a match, the manager gives us a free lollipop each."
The revelation explains why some in the team are attracted to the spoils of match-fixing. An anonymous former player, who admitted match-fixing, revealed "There's lots of money to be made if you cheat. In one game against England over a decade ago, I bowled two wides and earned fifty pounds! I was laughing all the way to the BCCI bank! One of my team mates dropped a catch and was given a whole week's free shopping at Aldi! The sky's the limit if you cheat."
The public is now awaiting a decision of the ICC as to what, if any, action will be taken against the Pakistani team pending a full investigation of the claims by the News of the World that players deliberately bowled "no balls". It is believed that the ICC, which, ironically, itself has "no balls", will probably procrastinate and let the Pakistani players off with a warning.