Eagles' Lurie on Kolb vs. Vick: "Why Use a Hammer When You Own a Nail-Gun?"

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Saturday, 24 July 2010

image for Eagles' Lurie on Kolb vs. Vick: "Why Use a Hammer When You Own a Nail-Gun?"
That is absolutely NOT A F--KING FOOTBALL!!!!

Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie finally called head coach Andy Reid to task for selecting QB Kevin Kolb to start over ASPCA F--khead Of The Decade Michael Vick, characterizing it as an issue of "Using a hammer when you own a nail-gun."

"Will someone please explain to me why Michael Vick isn't our starting QB?" asked Dr. Jeffrey Lurie, (Lurie holds a Ph.D in <giggle> Social Policy from <snicker> Brandeis. "He is exactly the type of QB Philadelphia fans have come to expect, every since Randall Cunningham's Jerri Curl juice was staining the locker room towels in the mid 80s: A strong-armed guy that can take the hell off and scramble, should the need arise."

"Michael Vick is not terribly accurate, that's a given. But our whole offense was built around a quarterback (Donovan McNabb) who threw one out of every 3 passes at the ankles of his intended receiver." continued Lurie. "Moreover, Vick is not afraid to bail out of the pocket and take off, something McNabb stopped doing after he ruptured one tiny, little ACL.

"We need a pocket passer," replied Andy Reid, while sipping from a Big Gulp cup full of beef gravy. "Why have a QB that can vacate a collapsing pocket and pick up yards on the ground when you can leave Kolb in the pocket? If Kolb is forced to scramble, a 7 year-old polio victim could run him down from behind."

Lurie firmly believes that, when you have a QB like Michael Vick cupping the center's ballsack, DEs, corners and OLBs are not running full-steam into a collapsing pocket, for fear of being caught flat-footed when the QB tucks the ball away and takes off. Indeed, Randall Cunningham made his career exploiting that.

Lurie also addressed the question of having a criminal in the starting job: "Look, I didn't want Michael Vick here. As far as I am concerned, Michael can eat a bag of dicks for the crimes he committed. But he is wearing Eagles green, and, with McNabb gone, he's he best QB on the roster.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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