Written by Mike Monpas

Tuesday, 18 May 2010

image for Ben Roethlisberger Opens Charm School

Two time Super Bowl winning quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers has recently opened a charm school for athletes. Located in downtown Pittsburgh near several bars and adult cabarets, the sign outside the door simply reads, "Ben Roethlisberger's Center for Charm. In parenthesis, below the title, a caption reads (Learn to charm her pants off anytime, anywhere).

Big Ben recently explained his reasons for founding the Charm Center. "A lot of guys, when they get into the world of high paid pro sports, just go off the deep end, they forget who they are and end up making giant fools of themselves. My school is designed to prevent these things from ever happening."

Twice accused of sexual assault himself, Ben Roethlisberger understands the challenges that athletes can face off the field where often times women are out to just make a quick buck off a gullible pro ball player.

"Everyone knows about some of the stuff that those bitches put me through," said Ben, "and it just kills me to think that another athlete worth millions of dollars in salary and endorsement contracts would have to put up with the kind of crap that I did for these last couple of seasons."

When asked about the current trouble that Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor now finds himself in, Ben went directly to the point. "You know, I wish that Lawrence had just checked into my school. I could have saved him a lot of trouble. I mean here's a great football player, a great guy, he just goes out to a hotel near where he's going to play golf the next day and WHAM! The next thing the poor guy knows, he's getting handcuffs slapped on his wrists and for what? For being with a sixteen year old hooker? Come on. He paid her for it fair and square. Bottom line is, these days, it's all about making a quick buck off of rich ball players."

Ben's school offers a three week course titled, "Getting with Bitches, and getting away Clean." The cost of this invaluable service for the modern day athlete is only fifteen thousand dollars. This is a drop in the bucket considering the possible alternatives such as a lengthy jail sentence, and the ensuing loss of income. Making this price seem even more reasonable is the fact that the course includes the services of two noteworthy guest lecturers, Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods.

Roethlisberger is obviously a sharp businessman as well as a great athlete. "Yeah, I've handled my share of hos in my time, but these guys are real pros, and I'm just lucky to have them on my staff. You really can't put a price on their knowledge of the game."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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