Written by Jeremy Paxman

Sunday, 27 June 2010

image for Stephen Hawkings Appointed New England Manager and Names Chimpanzee as Assistant
Professor Stephen Hawking Appointed England Manager

It's the dream team England fans have been waiting for - everone's favourite Dalek Stephen Hawking is teaming up with a chimpanzee to take over the reigns of the England squad with immediate effect.

While the England squad make their way back to their humble mansions, plastic enhanced WAGS and Hello interviews (many of them having to endure the humility of Business Class thanks to a lack of First Class seats), the Football Association have already taken decisive action by ousting Fabio Capello and parachuting in (or at least wheeling in) Stephen Hawkings and his impressive back room team of a chimpanzee, several boffins in lab coats and a large hadron collider.

In his first act at the helm, Hawking has already used his considerable physics prowess to fire accelerated particles at Rob Green although as yet; Green has failed to catch any of them. In what is already heralded as a new dawn in England management, Hawking's has revealed he now plans to leverage the potential of quantum mechanics to reduce the size of Joe Cole's dwarf like head and deploy Hawking Radiation on Emile Heskey for no other reason than to ensure he never again wears an England shirt. By doing so he also hopes to finally prove the existence of so called "dark matter".

It's an ambitious appointment by the England hierarchy although it doesn't seem to have captured the imagination of all England fans. Tony Onions, unemployed labourer from Woking was lukewarm in his response "well, while no-one can argue with the choice of a chimpanzee for assistant manager - that's a given - I do have some concerns with the choice of Professor Hawking as Manager - his calculations regarding both string theory and m-theory seem to be in direct conflict with the traditional 4-4-2 formation so I'm gonna reserve judgement for the time being. The question is can he really get us out of a wormhole?."

Other fans were more ebulliant; Tarquin Fletcher-Derbyshire Nee Adams from Cheshire had this to say "the guys a proven tactician, if he's good enough to be a Cambridge Don then he's good enough for England, simple as. We're crying out for a man-motivator and he's got the gift of the gab ain't he? The inclusion of a large hadron collider in the team - well, it can only be a good thing can't it? I don't think there's anyone else out there who knows more about drawing boards then Hawking"

In a bold statement, Hawking's has already promised that England will win a World Cup "within the next few light years" and "certainly before a unified theory of everything is disovered".

"All we have to do is keep talking."

The cachet of the position is already apparant - both Katie Price and Danielle Lloyd have already been romantically linked with Hawking and he's quickly become a favourite with the England team - Wayne Rooney is already said to be spending time with the Professor to improve his speech (we all recognise that Wayne needs it) and John Terry is sure to learn a thing or two from him about pace.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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