The penny finally drops. We've known for a while that John Terry's recent erratic behaviour was perhaps part of a larger plan but only now can we truly appreciate the gravity of the situation.
He's repeatedly mounted his team mate Wayne Bridge's WAG leading to his withdrawl from the team (and from her).
He's lost the England captaincy and used his voodoo powers to curse the armband - firstly for Rio Ferdinand (who mysteriously crippled himself in a freak training ground accident) and now for current captain Steven Gerrard (who has split from his own WAG to live alone in the Vincent Hotel in Southport with his 17 year old pregnant girlfriend while he issues a fistful of press injunctions).
He's publically questioned Capello's regime and tried to engineer a dressing room revolt in South Africa.
He's even claimed that despite having a head like a dwarf: Joe Cole is the only person capable of opening up defenses.
Can our great country take any more? Why is he doing this? What is the inevitable conclusion to this tale of betrayal and ineptitude?
We can now confirm that John Terry has now shockingly and sensationally revealed his German heritage ahead of the crucial England last 16 game in Bloemfontein.
In an exclusive interview and in the face of overhwhelming evidence presented to him; Herr Terry has revealed that he has been a secret German mole stationed in England since 1939. Originally reporting directly to the Fuhrer and now handled by notorious German spymaster David Hasselhoff; Terry is finally revealed as the mastermind behind numerous historical events over the last 6 decades including the Falklands War, the birth of Tony Blair, the invention of the hoodie, the entire comedy career of Lenny Henry and the cancellation of Big Brother.
Thanks to the Third Reichs advanced eugenics programme, John Terry has not only managed to maintain a youthful appearance but has also managed to become an accomplished defender for England and founding father of the Chelsea rejuvination during the last decade.
His Chelsea sleeper cell was finally uncovered following the shock defection of double agent Michael Ballack to MI5 handlers who was subsequently dropped from the German team whilst being debriefed in London.
Ballack has revealed that John Terry is a central figure in what the Germans have described as the "Final solution for the English question" and we can now begin to understand the strange series of events over recent months from the Chelsea player, all seemingly designed to sabotage the England campaign from within.
Confronted with the dossier, Reichsfuhrer Terry issued a brief yet sinister statement: "I'm gonna win for ze Germans and ze Fatherland. With ze weapons of misplaced backpasses, poor challenges and wayward long balls, I will crush ze England campaign with a blitzkrieg of defensive errors. Ze Fuhrer was a great man, he loved to laugh. I do zis for him".
England FA sources were unavailable for comment but an insider stated "We're fully aware of John Terry's background and nefarious plan for the England match but the alternative defensive options in the centre back position were even more dire. His selection was simply the better of two evils."
FA sources refused to comment on whether rumours of Heskey also being a German sleeper agent have any truth to them although based on his shockingly poor amount of shots on goal, this correspondant feels there is a case to answer.
We will fight them on the beaches.
