BBC 'Buzz Off' World Cup

Funny story written by Gary Midgeley

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


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Fans may soon have the option to cut out the sound of the vuvuzela horns when watching the World Cup on TV.

The BBC is investigating ways of transmitting an alternative feed of matches on the red button which would limit the buzzing sound made by the horns.

This comes after 545 people complained to the BBC about the noise whilst watching the games on TV, "I turned on the tele to watch the game but there was a constant buzzing sound, I banged my TV a few times but it was still there and it drove me mad, so I kicked the crap out of the TV and went to the pub to watch it where I heard the noise were horns. The BBC owes me a new tele" said one upset viewer, Ken Neville. Thousands of fans in South Africa also complained, but ironically couldn't be heard through the blanket of sound caused by the vuvuzelas.

The horns aren't just annoying to some, but more seriously there have been claims that they've even caused accidents. One group of vuvuzela blowing football supporters were attacked by a herd of elephants outside a stadium, whom mistook the sound of the horns as a mating call in an unfortunate incident that left 35 people hospitalised, 5 French fans smiling and all victims wheelchair bound, witnesses to the attack described it as "very disturbing". Many other reports of animal related 'misunderstandings' have also been linked to the horns as well as many accidents on the road too. One fan told us "My car was making that buzzing sound whilst driving the 200 mile trek between stadiums, I ignored it because I thought it was my car hooter, but when we got to the stadium I found out we'd just run over a group of football fans, God, how we laughed".

Supporters of the vuvuzela defended it claiming it adds to the atmosphere of the game and a 'buzz' to the stadiums, "We believe it helps us to get into the match more, adds more excitement and emotion, I mean, when I heard my national anthem being played, buzzzzzzzzzzz, then the cheer of the fans when their team scores a goal , buzzzzzzzzzzz-and the music of the national teams own bands, like the buzzzzzzzzzzz of the England band or Brazilian band drums as they get behind their teams, all that AND the fact these horns cause long term hearing damage, it really brings a tear to my eye, it's beautiful" said a vuvuzela fan spokesman.

Like the vuvuzela or not, they are here to stay as calls for them to be banned by FIFA were quickly dismissed on the grounds that they may be ruining the World Cup for some, will cause permanent hearing damage for others and may have caused countless accidents, but it's just a bit of fun and nothing at all to do with the £3 million FIFA stand to make from selling 'official' World Cup vuvuzelas.

Inspired by the success of the controversial horns, FIFA announced that plans are already in place for the next World Cup where they plan to release an atmosphere enhancing megaphone/rape alarm combination called the 'annoyomotron' and it's set to be even more popular than the vuvuzelas.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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