Barcelona are desperate to sign Wayne Rooney to join Zlatan and Messi, only problem is Rooney looks like a distorted, pregnant, balding piglet, oh those ears man!
Barcelona have offered to beat the world record singing of Ronaldo to Real but insist that Roon becomes as pretty as Ronni.
The Barcelona chairman explained: "Rooney is a fab footballer but he is so fucking ugly and to make him worth the money we want to pay for him, he must have a face-lift operation + hair implantations!
Man Utd are very interested in flogging their main asset to Barcelona, Sir Alex explained, "it's our policy to let our best players go and keep wankers like Nani, we are a business you know and not a fucking Football Club!!"
Roon has started brushing up on his Catalan, searching for a luxury beach house and a star plastic surgeon, he feels the move would add at least ten years to his career and his visage, "you know like, eh lad!"