Broadcasting giant Sky Sports has vehemently denied recent claims that there could be more than four teams in the English Premier League (EPL).
In a statement released earlier today, station chief, Reg Predictable said: "We strongly deny the existence of any football team in this country if they are not Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool or Arsenal.
"These rumours should be treated with contempt and serve only to damage the arrangement we have with the only four football teams worth peddling to an undiscerning, glory-seeking world-wide audience."
The rumours began after unemployed karaoke singer Alfie Lummox, 54, discovered that other broadcasters were available simply by pushing small buttons on his television remote control.
Mr Lummox explained: "I was sitting in the house one evening casually scratching myself and flicking channels when I happened to find one called 'ITV'.
"They were showing a footy game which I assumed to be quite old because I didn't recognise the strips or any of the players.
"But I looked closer and saw the word 'live' in the top left-hand corner of the screen so I kept on watching. At half time the team names came up and I thought it was some kind of April fools joke, but I did some checking and it turns out that 'Aston Villa' really do exist.
Following Alfie's claims, our research did indeed prove that 'Aston Villa' is a real football team who play their home fixtures in the sleepy West Midland village of Birmingham.
The other team proved too tough to pronounce which suggested they were foreign and Sky Sport confirmed begrudgingly that football is played in other countries sometimes.
"We know that there are two teams in Scotland, two in Spain, one or two in Italy and at least one in Germany" said a nervous spokesman talking to us on the phone through a hanky.
The following week, Mr Lummox tuned in again and found other teams lurking within the same European competition.
We put it to Sky Sports that 'Everton' and 'Fulham' also play in England, but they refused to comment further.
"What's astonishing," said Alfie, "is that 'Fulham' play their home games at a small cottage within walking distance of Chelsea's Stamford Lane Arena."
Sports historians are said to be in a high state of excitement following the discoveries of at least three genuine football teams who don't generally have much success and occasionally disappear off the EPL radar all together.
One clever-looking bloke with a beard and seven biros sticking out of his lab coat breast pocket said: "We couldn't be more shocked. Initial estimates are suggesting that there could be as many as 20 teams in this stratum alone!
"Has anyone seen me slide rule?" he added.
