Chelsea have vowed to fight to restore their increasingly battered reputation, after further allegations were made yesterday that they are "just a bunch of thieves."
In a remarkable outburst, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Fungus slammed the West London club, saying "I sat doon this mornin' tae eat ma brekkie, and opened the 'paper tae find they've bloody well gone and stolen the f**kin' headlines - AGAIN! Something has GOT to be done aboot it!"
Chelsea have vehemently denied responsibility for any headline theft. A spokesperson for the club said "Whatever that Scottish lunatic says, we can confirm that we have NOT stolen this, or any other headline. We take this accusation extremely seriously, and have this morning given the Metropolitan Police full access to Stamford Bridge to search for it. Chelsea FC totally refute this scurrilous accusation, although if anyone knows a headline theft when they see one, it is Manchester United."
Police are currently seeking a description of the stolen headline. Detective Inspector Inkjet, from Hammersmith Police Station, said "All we know at this moment is that it is some sort of collection of letters, each about half an inch or so in height, which we believe may have been in bold, Verdana font. What we can assure the public is that whoever HAS stolen this headline will be caught and prosecuted to the full extent of the law."
This is the second allegation of thievery to hit the 'Blues' in the past few days. Earlier this week, football governing body FIFA hit the club with a sixteen month transfer ban after being accused by French club FC Optical Lens of stealing French prodigy Gael Grasskuta, by sneaking up behind him whilst wearing an oversized raincoat with hidden pockets, and 'having him away' before he knew it. Next thing the bemused Monsieur Grasskuta knew was that he was on a training ground in Cobham, Surrey, being forced to earn £150,000 per week for trying to kick a round thing between two white poles which have some kind of netty thing attached.
Chelsea's main problem is that they have 'form' for this kind of behaviour. For ninety minutes every Saturday afternoon, from August to May, midfielder Michael Ballack is witnessed, by several thousand people, attempting to steal the ball in the tackle. He has yet to succeed.