Hull City In Bid To Sign Biggest Names In Football

Funny story written by Mark Mywords

Thursday, 3 September 2009

image for Hull City In Bid To Sign Biggest Names In Football
Where the Hull Am I?

They may have left it late in this transfer window but Hull City have today completed the free transfer of former Celtic striker Johannes Vennegoor of Hesselink.

"It's important to have a big name signing," spokesman Phil Duffnut said. "And, my goodness, they don't come much bigger than Vennegoor of Hesselink! However, we want to assure the fans of this club that the big name signings are not going to stop there. Oh no! We intend on leaving no stone unturned in our bid to make further big name signings when the transfer window opens again in January."

When asked whether he was prepared to disclose which players he was interested in bringing to the KC Sunshine Band Stadium, Duffnut said, "Well, I can only give a few details at the moment, but they are all big names, I can assure you. Our only priority is that they are the biggest names in football."

Queues had quickly formed outside the club shop by eager fans desperate to have the name of their new Dutch hero printed onto the back of their shirts. At £2 per letter, the club are set to make £40, on top of the price of the replica shirt, for every fan who wants to sport the name of the striker across his back.

"It's a nice little 'spin off' from bringing a player with such a long name to Hull, isn't it, mmmm?" said Duffnut.

So who are the players being brought to the club in the near future?

"Only the biggest names," repeated Duffnut. "First of all we will be seeking to re-sign Stelios Giannakopoulos who, at £2 a letter, can generate income of £28 per shirt. We also have our eye on a quality midfield holding player from Lithuania called Lev Dosporokanborisanovaronosovich, a useful boy from Sierra Leone called Mwamba Togamulawesibandanagarumbo, and Decrepito la Coruna's Brazilian third reserve goalkeeper Aldo Palmeirasantodeoliveiracostafortunato. In fact, we are happy to look at any player whose name exceeds fifteen letters and which we can realistically squeeze one way or another onto the back of a shirt."

Johannes Vennegoor of Hesselink works part-time as a jobbing carpet fitter in Scarborough.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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