Ancelotti tells City to "shove it"

Funny story written by Alex Hinsley

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

image for Ancelotti tells City to "shove it"
Blues skipper Terry is "not for sale."

In a daring assault on money-bags Manchester City, new Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti has told the northern club's executives to forget about luring Blues skipper John Terry away from Stamford Bridge - telling them to "shove their offer."

City made an enquiry about the Chelsea defender in January this year, citing a £30 million bid was made. Then-boss Luiz Felipe Scolari immediately turned down the bid, but through City's sheer persistence, Chelsea found themselves receiving a second bid from Mark Hughes' side, believed to be in the region of £60 million.

At his inaugral press conference, new boss Carlo Ancelotti waved away the speculation.

"It's rubbish," the Italian said. "Terry is not for sale. He is too good in bed. City are offering him better wages, but he is happy with what I am paying him."

City are still believed to be interested in the player despite having numerous bids turned down. Ancelotti was no impressed by their persistence in the matter.

"It annoys me. Terry is my captain. Who else could I wish to have? He is perfect - when we win, we look brilliant, when we lose, he blames himself so I don't get in trouble with Abramovich. I can't complain."

"City can shove their offer. The Sheikh wipes his ass with the tongues of his inferiors, or, failing that, £50 notes. Terry would not wish to join a team lead by a stuck-up asshole like him. He makes Florentino Perez (Real Madrid's president) seem like a nice guy, when everyone knows he's also a stuck-up asshole."

Meanwhile, Ancelotti thinks the Premier League will be more of a contest between Chelsea and title rivals Manchester United and Liverpool. "Manchester United have lost Ronaldo, so they will win 20 less penalties next season. Rafa Benitez will stop telling Torres to get injured, so he will play more. Things are more even now."

Chelsea have signed Yuri Zhirkov, goalkeeper Ross Turnbull and young striker Dan Sturridge, but Ancelotti feels more improvement is needed. "Ballack is too fat, he has stretch marks. Drogba is now very old. I need new pimps to attract more bitches to watch us play in our 1970s stadium."

Ancelotti will now head to America with Chelsea on a pre-season tour before their first game against Hull in August.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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