Murray Fails To Win Wimbledon

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

image for Murray Fails To Win Wimbledon
Andy Murray's runner-up prize

It's more British than eating strawberries and cream, washed down with pints of flat ale, more British than beating Germany in World Wars, and even more British than constantly complaining about the weather. Yes, it's that time of the year again when millions of Britons see their best male tennis player failing to win Wimbledon yet again.

Some have blamed this annual failure on a curse put on the Championships by English tennis legend Fred Perry, the last Brit to win the title over 70 years ago, for amazingly he was given the cold shoulder by The All England Tennis and Croquet Club, and more or less told he wasn't welcome at Wimbledon for the crime of ... being working class!

And since then, every July there have been British men failing to win the title, most embarrassingly Tim 'Nice But Dim' Henman, and this year it's the turn of Andy Murray to not win.

Having only narrowly avoided defeat to an unseeded and unknown Swiss player, Murray's Wimbledon will now follow a script that's as predictable as a Cabinet Minister fiddling their expenses claims. The next few matches will see Murray hammering his opponents, as they're such feeble opposition, until he gets to the semi-finals, and then his problems will really begin.

Only by playing the best tennis of his life will he manage to beat a player like Roger Federer, and even then it will be so close it will certainly be compulsive viewing to all sports fans, but even if he pulls off that one the final will see Murray doing what the British do better than anyone else in the world - being heroic and glorious losers.

Whoever he meets then will have no pressure on him, while impossible pressure is put on Murray by the British newspapers and the crowds at Wimbledon. Already English fans have started wearing Union Jacks and bizarrely supporting Scotsman Murray, bizarre, seeing as Scotland and England have fought some of the most bloodthirsty and savage wars in over a thousand years of history, and the dislike if not hatred between the two nations exists to this day.

Which shows the best and worse aspects of tennis. It's unique for a sport to kind of unite the United Kingdom, a 'country' where even now producing an Olympic football team is impossible, due to Scottish, Morthern Irish and Welsh refusing to play in the same team as English players, although even then the English crowd's reactions has been slightly muted compared to watching Tim Henman play at the Championships.

But it also shows what a middle class twits' game it is in Britain, you can't imagine the English cheering on the Scottish football team under any circumstances, and most Scots would rather die than doing anything but supporting England's footballing opponents.

And even in the 21st. century there are Scottish boys at World Cup time wandering around in Argentinian replica strips, with 'Maradona' on the back of them, Diego being a hero for not only scoring two goals to knock England out of the 1986 World Cup, but also for 'handing' the first one into the net.

Of course, there's a chance that Murray could win at Wimbledon ... but he won't, and this writer knows what he's talking about, coming from an identical background and part of the world as Andrew Murray, and knows he'll bottle it by the way he acts and plays.

Murray is too immature, and simply not in the same league as Federer, Nadal, et al, though Nadal not playing might seem to make Murray's chances of winning slightly higher. It won't. And worst of all for the player, he was 'hothoused' by his mum, who sits watching him play in the crowd, a guarantee for failure in any man trying to win at a sport.

All Brits here should wait til Murray makes it to the semis, then pop into Ladbrokes and bet against him. And if he makes it to the final, bet your house, your mortgage, even your wife against him winning it, to make good your losses and make a tidy profit as well.

Andy Murray winning Wimbledon is about as likely as me winning it. You heard it here first.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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