Christiano Ronaldo told reporters tonight that he was hoping he would score a goal in the Man United game against Barcelona despite his self-professed hatred of football.
"That's the aim of the game" he told us whilst smearing baby oil into his tightly toned pectoral muscles. "And that's what I wanna do... I'm a winner, and winners win. So I'll win. You win by scoring goals, so I'll make it my top priority to score one. Then I may take my millions of pounds and good looks and retire from this terrible game. The crowd are too loud, the balls hurt my feet and running round those muddy fields makes you sweat. I think I'll just stick to having sex with supermodels in the future."
Ronaldo was getting into shape in his training sessions earlier in the week but upset his fellow teammates by wearing a 'football is dull' T-shirt and refusing to take off his I-Pod claiming that "If i have to play football then at least i can listen to the sound of whale song and pretend that I'm somewhere else."
The odds were looking good for United as they set off to play tonight. When asked if they stood any chance in the final, Ronaldo said: "Yeah, we'll probably win which would be a shame. All this energy I'm putting into football is criminal when you consider how badly the credit crunch is effecting street sweepers and litter pickers. I'm in the wrong job."
After saying that Ronaldo furiously pummelled six footballs straight through the goalkeepers stomach, ripped off his shirt and uprooted the goalposts in sheer fury.
"Vile! Vile! Vile, odious football!" He screamed. "I just want to dance!"
