A spokesman for Manchester United has admitted that reports claiming that United manager Sir Alex Ferguson attacked a fan at the Old Trafford Stadium this morning are true.
"He arrived fuming, his big red nose shining like a beacon, his cheeks flush with anger - he was shaking like a shitting dog - his accent though hard to understand at the best of times indistinguishable - that's when it happened" said spokesman Lionel Trains.
The fan, which has been a feature of Sir Alex's Old Trafford office for years bore the brunt of the mean tempered Scot after two successive defeats. The fan, used mainly in the summer, was picked up by the United manager and thrown to the ground - whereupon the furious manager pounded it while wearing Dr Martins Boots (with steel toecaps!).
"He said he will replace it" said Lionel "He is heading down to Argus later - just after he kicks the shit out of Paul Scholes and Wayne Rooney."
