Plaxico Burress accidentally gives self paper cut

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 25 December 2008

image for Plaxico Burress accidentally gives self paper cut
More weapons seized as Burress nurses injuries.

NEW YORK, NY - In a continued streak of bad luck, New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress gave himself a rather nasty paper cut Tuesday morning. The incident occurred while Burress was licking an envelope, which made a 3/8" incision in his tongue - an especially painful place for this type of injury.

Immediately afterwards, Burress was on his way to the bathroom to rinse the cut with some antiseptic when he stubbed his right pinkie toe on a table leg. "I knew as soon as it happened it was going to hurt like hell, and about three quarters of a second later, it did," he said.

Burress gained much unwelcome notoriety when he accidentally shot himself in the leg with his own gun at a Manhattan nightclub just a few short weeks ago. These latest injuries have left the star receiver asking, "What's next?" Though not usually superstitious, he sees the events as deeply interconnected, since the envelope that administered the most recent injury contained legal forms pertaining to the first incident.

When police arrived at the home of Burress Tuesday afternoon to execute a search warrant, they noticed he was grimacing and rubbing his elbow. When questioned about it, he replied that he had merely bumped his funny bone on the way to answer the door.

The police then searched his home, finding an unregistered handgun and rifle, as well as several types of ammunition. By the time they were ready to leave with the confiscated weaponry, the pain in his elbow was completely gone. Maybe, just maybe, this is a sign his streak of bad luck is nearly over.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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