DALLAS, Texas - A lot of folks in Texas are still reeling from the September aftermath of Hurricane Ike. And now all of a sudden Hurricane Jerry (Jones), a category 5 hurricane, has mercilessly slammed into Dallas.
Dallas Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones has lashed out at his star running back, the great Marion Barber, who did not play in the Cowboys 20-13 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Jones said that Barber, who has a dislocated right pinkie toe and a sore calf muscle could have played in last Sunday's game.
Jones stated, "I am paying my players a tremendous amount of money and as the owner, I truly think that Marion (Barber) could have played and should have played.
"Now, am I a doctor? No I am not. But again, let me remind everyone out there, that I am the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, which is the most valuable sports franchise in the United States ($1.6 billion).
"And I am to the Cowboys organization like President Bush is to the nation. And by that I mean that I can pretty much say and do whatever the hell I feel like doing and everyone who does not like it can form a line outside my million dollar office and kiss my aspirin bottle."
Jones was asked by a writer for Sports Illustrated how he could publicly insult one of his star players; a dedicated individual who gives it 110% everytime he carries the ball. Jones grinned and replied, "Very easy, with my billion dollar mouth...that's how."
A reporter for The Corpus Christi Clarion-Chronicle stated that Marion Barber is a pretty big fella and that he may not take too kindly to being called a 'sissy' even if it is by the owner.
"I have a posse of bodyguards." Jones stated, "And each one stands over 6 foot 6, is a black belt in karate, and carries a can of maze.
"Plus my personal secretary, Erica Tortellini, 24, has a taser gun in the top left drawer of her $18,000 desk, so I am not the least bit worried."
When Barber was informed of the derogatory comments from the team owner, he made a face and said, "Look, everyone who has ever seen me play knows that Marion Barber gives it his all on every play.
"About 93% of all football experts compare me to one of the toughtest running backs of all time, Earl Campbell. I can bench press 2,000 pounds and I can open a can of tuna fish with my ear lobe.
"But, I am injured. I am hurt. I cannot play. And just who the hell does Jerry Jones think he is anyway? Dr. Pepper or what?"
Jones looked down and said, "My right pinkie toe is dislocated...hell when I woke up this morning, my right pinkie was sittin' right on my left kneecap. Trust me it wasn't a pretty picture...and speaking of something else that isn't (gonna be) a pretty picture...
"When I get through talking to Mr. Jerry Jones, ah, I mean Dr. Jerry Jones, the John McCain-lookin' little bleached frail weasel is liable to end up with a dislocated tongue, not to mention botox-looking lips that would bring tears to the eyes of Mick Jagger, Angelina Jolie, Lisa Rinna, and Paris Hilton.
"Now please understand this, I love the Cowboys. Cowboy blue runs through my veins. I named my pet dog Troy (Aikman), my pet cat Roger (Staubach), my pet hamster Don (Meredith), and my pet pirahna Madonna (Ciccone?)
"But I'll be damned if I am going to be disrespected the way that, that skinny little 98-pound, ghost-lookin' prarie dog has done...no sir and or ma'am.
"And have you seen the dude's hair? Damn, it looks like he goes to the same hair stylist as Donnie Trump. In fact, they should get together and open up their own beauty salon. They can call it, 'The Trump & Chump Ugly-Ass Hair Salon.'"
In related news, the greatest Cowboy fan of all time, Emma Jolene Winkapish, 97, who has attended every Cowboys game since 1960, said, "I love the Cowboys and I love Jerry Jones, but this time it sure does appear that the little fella has stuck his Cowboy boot in his mouth. And now, old Jer is just liable to end up with Marion Barber's Cowboy boot stuck in his 'rectalisticus analiptabootius.'"*
*Which is Peruvian for left ear.
