Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

image for Rob Styles To Use Dice
It's a six! Penalty, and he's off!

Rob Styles, the terrible referee, has come up with an ingenious plan to improve his pathetic decision-making, and to make him an all-round better referee - he is to take a dice onto the pitch.

Not normally part of the referee's weaponry, the dice will be used, he says, to adjudicate in those awkward situations where it 'could go either way', and whatever he decides to award will be seen as wrong by the fans.

The under-fire official was speaking to reporters about his latest gaffe in last night's match between Newcastle and Manchester City, when he gave a penalty to the Sky Blues after Newcastle defender Habib Beye made a perfectly legitimate challenge on Robinho.

Said Styles:

"It's a lottery. I'm getting so much criticism just lately, that I've decided I have to be completely impartial. Linesmen often don't see the incident, and video technology is too expensive and would slow the game down. Instead, I've got a dice which I will use whenever a difficult decision arises."

According to Styles, in the future, if a tackle in the box looks a bit suspect, he will shake the dice on the pitch, and if a 1, 3 or 5 is thrown, he will award a penalty.

If, however, a 2 or a 4 is thrown, no penalty will be given.

If a 6 is showing, a penalty is given, and the fouling player will be red-carded.

Styles says this will silence those critics who have called him a cheat, and will restore some semblance of fairness, and a degree of confidence to the sport that is increasingly open to cheating and other shenanigans.

Mr Styles is known to have read the 1971 novel by Luke Rinehart, The Dice Man, and has taken its concept on board with gusto. He will now be known by many in the know as 'The Referee Who Will Change Your Life', and will certainly be changing the fortunes of a few football clubs.

The Professional Game Match Officials Board (PGMOB) was due to comment later today.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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