Joe 'Sick Note' Kinnear Is New Newcastle United Manager

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 26 September 2008

image for Joe 'Sick Note' Kinnear Is New Newcastle United Manager
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After the disappointment of the non-appointment of Terry Venables yesterday, all speculation ended today when Newcastle United unveiled their new manager to the long-suffering Magpies' fans - Joe 'Sick Note' Kinnear.

Within minutes, St James' Park was besieged by hordes of fans wanting refunds of their season ticket money, and the Army had to be drafted in to quell several potential uprisings.

One fan burnt an effigy of Kinnear on a long stick, and another held up a banner with the slogan:

"Go home you Irish bastard!"

Kinnear was a player with Spurs and Brighton, before moving into management with Wimbledon, where he had a heart attack. Current Newcastle Executive Director of Football, Dennis Wise had played there until 1990. Are you getting this, Newcastle fans?

In 2000, he was briefly Director of Football himself, at Oxford United before ill-health led to a Kevin Keegan-style resignation, but after his sick note had expired, he took up a similar role at Luton Town. Immediately, he demoted then-manager Lil Fuccilo and installed himself as boss. This is all true.

In 2003, when the club was sold to a consortium led by John Gurney, Kinnear, along with his assistant Mick Harford, were sacked by an employee of Northampton Town. Unbelievably, it's still all true.

Prior to this, back in 1977, Kinnear developed an 'Arab connection' so popular these days, when he went from Dublin to Dubai to manage Sharjah and Al-Shabab.

He also spent 9 months at Nottingham Forest in 2004 before ... er ... resigning. True.

Sickly since childhood, Kinnear was frequently absent from school, which may explain why he thinks the answer to 'Newcastle + Hated Owner + Low Morale = Good Job'.

If Kinnear is at Newcastle long enough to resign or, worse, have a heart attack, he will be the most-resigned or 'self-certificated sickness' manager in English football.

Nobody should be surprised if this turns out to be the case.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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