Manchester United have trounced Manchester City to the signing of a new striker for £30,000, slashing the £32.5 million paid for Robinho from Real Madrid.
In between chewing pieces of gum with his mouth open, United boss Sir Alex Ferguson was said to be delighted.
"Instead of paying a multi-million pound transfer fee for someone from Real Madrid, we have saved a bloody fortune by paying only £30,000 for a home-grown striker for the team.
"I am delighted, almost in a state of pure dampness, to announce that for the new season, Ken Bates, from False Madrid, a non-league club in Barnsley, joins us a our new striker at the Club. And I can't bloody believe it. Only costs us thirty grand. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah I say to Manchester City and its new investors."
Sir Alex introduced Ken Bates to an eager press corps, and gave a quick overview of his career to date. He continued:
"I am delighted to introduce our new striker Ken Bates. You may remember the Miners' strike of 1984-1985. Well Ken was there on the front picket line, threatening policemen and spitting at those who dared to cross it. He was still on form a year later in 1986 for the News International print union strike. Frank and fearless, or at least, Ken and fearless, up the front, striking for England.
"He is such a devoted striker that he even attended the Star Wars film, "The Empire Strikes Back" in 1980, although it did take him over a week of daily attendances to realise that his picketing services weren't really required for the cinema.
"Yes, I believe we have a platimum star here. As soon as there is a referee's yellow card, a cleaning lady warned about health and safety, or even an over-cooked bacon buttie in the canteen, I am sure we will be able to rely on our Ken to bring the club out on strike."
