Written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 7 June 2008

image for Chelsea Close In On Big Phil
Ian Beale beware!

Chelsea are today expected to confirm that their search for a new manager is over, and that they have secured the signature of Big Phil - not Felipe Scolari, the Brazilian, but Big Phil Mitchell, of EastEnders fame.

Mitchell, proprietor of The Arches in Turpin Way, does not have the experience and footballing guile that Scolari has, but is a well-respected thug much-feared in London's East End, and has, on several occasions, flushed the head of Ian Beale down the toilet.

Mitchell may recall his younger brother Grant from Brazil in order to instil some discipline in the side, something former manager Avram Grant failed to do. Chelsea players regularly spoke of dressing room bust-ups to the Press; Big Phil certainly won't allow that. Mum Peggy may also have a role to play.

The introduction of Big Phil and his brother may be just what the Stamford Bridge club need after a recent downturn in their popularity. In 2005, when the Mitchell brothers were brought back to the soap after a six year absence from viewer's screens, more than 13 million tuned in, giving the BBC a 52.9% share of the viewing figures.

When asked about the Chelsea position, actor Steve McFadden who plays Phil, said:

"Sor-id!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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