Now that Roger Federer has won the US Open for the fourth time in a row, his 12th Grand Slam title, the USTA is taking action by having him undergo mandatory android testing. This is the first time such dramatic action has been taken since Pete Sampras entered his 280th straight week as the world #1 almost ten years ago.
"At what point do we accept the fact that Roger Federer may not be a real human being?," said USTA president Jane Brown Grimes at a press conference. "The longer we stall, the more time Roger's programmers have to tweak and refine him, and before you know it he'll be winning the French Open too."
Grimes also made an impassioned post on her personal blog, writing that "androids have no place on our tennis courts or in a free peace-loving society; remember T-1000?"
Dr. Timothy Thorpe, the robotics surgeon who tested Sampras, says the procedure is "quick, easy, and painless as long as you're not a pussy." The test would be carried out by non-lethally dissecting an area of Federer's body. "It may actually be prudent to dissect a few areas," adds Thorpe, "in case he is actually a cyborg, or machine with human elements, and the machine part is missed the first or second time."
If Federer fails the test, he will immediately be banned from professional tennis. Federer responded to the allegations by claiming, "I am not an android" in an eerily calm, stoic tone of voice that only raised more suspicion.