Roddick Refuses To Get Out Of Bed for Federer Clash

Written by Tess Tickles

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

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Roddick:"Aw..Mawum! I don't wanna play Federer today."

American tennis star Andy Roddick has refused to get out of bed for his US Open quarter final clash with Roger Federer preferring to 'lie in, order pizza and watch some classic episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies in a white flag move unprecedented in the world of sport.

Roddick's mother has tried everything to move the lazy lump but admits that 'it's just like his high-school days all over again': "I poured a bucket of water on him but he wouldn't shift and to be honest I ended up feeling sorry for the poor lad and just decided to leave him there clutching his Cookie Monster teddy bear. I'm his mother, I don't want to see him suffer and if he plays Federer, that's exactly what will happen."

Roddick, inexplicably a former world number one himself, has made plans not to grant the Swiss a walkover, but has instead opted to hire a lookalike to take his place in the draw to 'please the American crowds': "I think a lot of people will be looking forward to the match, so I don't want to disappoint my fans, but there's no way I'm going out there to be made to look like a fucking stooge once again. That's why I've hired a doppelganger to show up and take the inevitable beat down that Federer is going to dish out. As for me, I'm gonna stuff my face with potato chips, drink some beer and maybe go off for a round of golf later. See ya!"

Andy's coach Jimmy Connors, the ultimate competitor back in his day, is said to be furious with his protege surrendering to defeat so limply, but the American number one says that his mentor can 'shove it up his ass': "Look, Jimmy just wants to see Roger use me as a punch bag yet again. He keeps telling me I can beat Federer just so I'll believe it and go out there and get bitchslapped. The last time I got destroyed, Jimmy was up in the stands laughing his ass off along with everyone else. I'm not gonna be taken for a sucker yet again."

When I caught up with the lookalike assigned to be the whipping boy, he told me about the many difficulties of being a Roddick double: "For example, I was waking down the street the other day and people started throwing tomatoes at me and calling me 'Federer's bitch'. Then there are the people who challenge you to a tennis match because they think they can beat you-a 90 year-old woman said she wanted a piece of me on the court. She even said she'd tie one hand behind her back and wear a blindfold. Thankfully, once I assured her that I wasn't Roddick, she changed her tune and apologised."

But he is looking forward to the challenge and is confident of fooling the world: "I've never picked up a racket before and I'll struggle to win a point against Federer, so I'm sure no one will notice the difference between me and the real Roddick. It's going to be fun; I live for moments like these."

The lookalike's only fear is playing well, he told me: "I don't wanna start winning points out there and actually testing Federer-that would only arouse suspicion".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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