New slogan really sucks

Written by websmuggler

Saturday, 11 August 2007

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The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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The members of the corporate board of Lifetime Network, whose former slogan was "Television for Women" recently gave a press conference in Los Angeles at the network's flagship station, KUNT. The purpose of the conference was to confirm that the network's new slogan, "We Put the BROAD in Broadcasting!" really and totally sucks.

"Wow, our new slogan sure does suck." announced Lifetime Network Chairbroad Ima B. Itch. "'We put the BROAD in broadcasting'? Stop laughing! This is NOT FUNNY!!! That's the suckiest slogan that ever sucked. A sucking suckfest of a nonstop suckathon."

"Right on, sister." added Lifetime spokesbroad Liz Bian. "Our new slogan's even listed in the Guinness Book as 'World's Suckingest Slogan.' And you're seriously hot, girlfriend!"

"Not here, Liz! Okay?" blushed Ima. We're here to talk about our new slogan and how much it sucks. I mean, like 'We put the broad in broadcasting' as a slogan for a women's television network? What the fuck were we thinking? In market surveys conducted by our flagship station, KUNT, our new slogan scored even higher in suck quotient and general suckability than the other proposed slogan, 'Everything women do well, we do lying down'. So how'd we ever get stuck with such a sucky slogan as 'We put the broad in broadcasting!"?

"Because it was written by a woman." replied Advertising Director Wanda Getlaid. "Therefore by all the rules of affirmative action, we had to adopt that slogan no matter how much it sucked. To do otherwise would have been politically incorrect and thus would constitute genocide against the 51% of the human race which has vaginas. Or something."

"Ah yes. I remember that." recalled Vice President Ms. Ann Drist. "Our new slogan was written by Anita Goodlay of the advertising agency of Dewey, Suk, Coxe and Howe. I should have known that any slogan from her would suck, ever since she was hired to write names for WNBA women's basketball teams. The best she could come up with was the Chicago BullDykes, the Houston Sockets, the L.A. Lay, the Portland PMSers and the Tucson TimeOfTheMonth. With such a sucking track record as that, can it be any surprise that she would write us a slogan like 'We put the BROAD in broadcasting!' which is the biggest fucking suckjob on the entire planet?"

"Well, Ann, I think you're being to too narrow in your scope". said token black Ida Slutt. "After all, NASA has now discovered something like 200 planets outside the Solar system. I'm sure 'We put the BROAD in broadcasting!' is also the biggest fucking suckjob on all those planets too, as well as this one."

"Glub blub Mmmph glerch ffmmml mmmph". agreed Liz Bian, her speech being incomprehensible as her head was entirely up Ima B. Itch's skirt.

"But was wrong with our old slogan, 'Television for women'?" asked Ivana B. Amann, in a short paragraph.

"What was wrong with it, was that it was written by a man." explained Carmen Gettit. "So naturally it didn't suck, but it wasn't feminist enough. So we females, for whom the brain is at best a vestigial organ, just had to turn to one of our own persistent vegetative selves for the new slogan 'We put the broad in broadcasting!' though it alone sucks more than all the world's vacuum cleaners combined."

"Yes, that's all true. We broads suck." Ivana nodded. "After all, what's the literally most sucking thing in the universe? It's a Black Hole, whose gravity is so strong it will suck in anything, even light itself. Can it be just a coincidence that a slang term for our genitals is the same as the name of this suckingest thing in the universe: BLACK HOLE?!?! I think not!"

"Of course you think not - you're a woman!" Carmen rejoined, giggling at her own wit. "All of us bitches think not. That's why we, and everything we produce, and everything we come in contact with, sucks. And it's important to note that this is all being written by women. Absolutely NOT by a man who's just pretending to be women in order to put words in our mouths to make us look stupid. Like we need any help in doing that!" Whereupon all the women present riotously giggled in agreement, except for Liz who commented, "MMMfffll?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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