Rutgers Team Offers Opinion On Don Imus Controversy

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Sunday, 8 April 2007

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Race, politics, radio, sports, and lifestyles may not mix well at Rutgers.

The Rutgers University women's basketball team has finally opened their mouth's on the Don Imus controversy. After their loss in the national championship game to Tennessee, nationally syndicated radio DJ Imus referred to the women as "Nappy Headed Ho's."

ShamiquaJoNelle Johnson, black reserve forward for the team, said that she was not personally offended for herself. "I know it ain't true fo me, but I'se still mad fo my teammates. I knows that some of the white girls is offended by this cuz they's don like people sayin' that stuff about they hair. One of them whiteys is still a virgin to and don like bein' called no ho. So, if it's bad fo my team, it's bad fo me, cuz we stick together, even if them honkeys can't jump or shoot or nothin'."

Laquisha Jackson, another of the black players, had a different take on the controversy. "Are you calling me a dyke? Did Imus say I'm a lesbian? I ain't no lesbo. Not all women athletes are gay. I ain't no muff diver. Just because I ain't got no boyfriend don't mean I'm not straight. Who said I was gay? I'll kick his ass!"

Amanda Lynn Sinclair, one of the white girls (who actually averaged three minutes playing time per game this season to lead the non-black players), was upset by the remarks. "I am not nappy headed. My teammates are not nappy headed. We all wash, rinse, and repeat and use our conditioner daily. I use Aussie Mega shampoos because I like the protiens that they add to my naturally curly blonde hair. Some of the girls use baby shampoos and some use other expensive brands. None of us are tacky enough to use the ones that put shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle, or that Suave stuff you can buy by the gallon, because you can get frizz or split ends with the cheap stuff. Our hair is important to us."

Kim Li, the only oriental on the team, said the following through an interpreter: "Kim is very happy to be able to share her athletic skills with all of her teammates, both the nappy haired ones and the white girls. She is enjoying her time making friends while she is away from The People's Republic of China and hopes to share her talents in the WNBA. She has used a hoe in her family's rice paddy and is proud to do that work to help feed the glorious people in wonderful country."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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