Lauren Boebert entered the Colorado Arm Wrestling Competition, wrestling against Wanda “The Bicep Breaker” Smeagle, and it did not go well.
Lauren first entertained the crowd, doing some of her patented stripper moves, lifting her tight “Patriots Cum First & Last Longest” t-shirt to flash her padded bra – to much cheering and a bit of laughter – and then she grabbed the microphone from the emcee and started a harangue about Joe Biden and Ukraine, then she got down to business.
The ladies met across the wrestling table, locked hands, and stared into each other’s eyes.
“If Jesus had a gun he wouldn’t have been crucified,” said Boebert, apropos of nothing.
Wanda said, “I’m here to bring the pain!”
They growled at each other – very hot, the mostly male crowd went wild – then the buzzer went.
In 2.5 seconds Boebert had her right arm ripped off and Wanda started clubbing her with it like a baby seal. The crowd went even wilder. Boebert kept crying about Antifa and Biden and trans people – again, apropos of nothing.
Wanda tore the severed arms to bits and Lauren had bruises everywhere – and tons of blood all over the bar (this was held in the Scroggy Mud Mountain Redneck Bar and Steakhouse Emporium … where many American “sports” take place) … and Lauren kept whining about her “right to bear and keep my arms!”
Wanda took her trophy and kept the arm, though she may have thrown it into a ditch on the way outa town … and Lauren is now getting fitted for a plastic replacement, as soon as it’s coloured red, white and blue and has the words “Don’t Rip Me Off, America!” stenciled onto it like a tattoo.
