Fastest Football Shot on Goal Disputed at Home for Rude Footballers

Written by Pointer

Wednesday, 14 February 2007

image for Fastest Football Shot on Goal Disputed at Home for Rude Footballers
A simulation of Leary's light speed strike on goal

Was it last month's Obafemi Martins' goal against the Spurs clocked at 86 mph or as Archi Campell writes in the Guardian:" I remember a goal by David Trezeguet for Monaco against Man Utd in the Champions League quarter-finals of 1998 that was timed at 96mph. This would also be faster than Nicky Summerbee's 87mph shot on Record Breakers, which is often given as the fastest shot ever. Was Trezeguet's shot really that fast, and if so, why does everyone seem to ignore it?"

At the Home for Rude Footballers,the debate over fastest shot raged. 101 year old Liverpudlian Striker, Striker Incontinentanza waded in first: "I remember a shot in the alley behind my hovel by a kid we called "Quick Leg Mc Gurk. If it didn't go 100 kmp (Forget that MPH,bullcrap), I'm an old piss pants!".

McGurk's nursing home nemesis,Droopy Draws Olsen couldn't resist: "You are a piss pants, you old incontinent SOB! But if you lived on my side of the London slums you would have seen Jimmy "Lightning" Churchill. That boy kicked a shot on goal against me that had to go 150 kph. It was the only strike that scored on me in my 20 year career as a child goalie."

The oldest resident and patriarch of the Home for Rude Footballers, 114 year old Sir Cecil Lisptonguer stood up for the first time in twenty years: "Shut yur mouthsss ya whippersssnappersss and lissten to a mature man with sssome real experience...(Ssir Cceccil gasssped for breath for about an hour and then he ressumed.) Do ya e'en know our home'sss name comess from the Bard 'a England'ss greatessst play, King Lear? It'ssss...(more prolonged gasping) Kent'ss defenssse of his beloved, aged Monarch against the inssolent sservant of ungrateful daughter Goneril-we've all got one o' those! - If you'd played the game in my shantytown, you'd heard o'Tim Leary. The boyo kicked ballsss that were just a blur. One time 'gainsst the shantytown down the way from our heap o'shackss,Tim charged the goal and let go o' a shot that disappeared before our very eyess...Light-sspeed ,Lucass would of called't.MPH,KPH,my arsssse...light ssspeed ,I tell ya!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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