From the persnickety colossus that is the town of Grimsby, Ontario, (population 27,314 humanoids), just 427 kilometres northeast of Toledo, Ohio, it's the Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation pay-per-view! Also known as the 37th most anticipated pay-per-view of the year! Let's get right into the action!
Match 1 began as a 24-minute staring competition between babyface, The Amazing Coward, and his arch-rival in life, the heel known only as Doctor Weeeee. The combatants soaked up the atmosphere of the screaming fans, looking defiant into the numerous cameras, until they eventually locked horns. One swift kick in the groin area some 2 minutes and 11 seconds later, and Doctor Weeeee solidified his reputation as a not-very-nice person.
Match 2 saw fan favorite, The Man Of La Mancha, Doug, take on the diabolical diabolicalness of the Frightening Farmer, Snop Pickens. This had the potential to be Match of the Year, until the blubbery infidel, The Mighty Booger, did a run-in and ruined everything. Result: a double-disqualification for the superstars, and double trouble for the audience.
After the audience was given something to settle their upset stomachs, following The Mighty Booger's, Match 3 was for the Unimportant International Tag Team Championship, which saw two heel teams fight for dominance. El Stupido Uno and El Stupido Due with their manager, Papa Stupido, at ringside, fought Vinnie 'Elvis Hair' Putani and Tony 'Elvis Weight' Spazoli, The Fabulous Elvis Wannabes. Identical twins, El Stupido One and Two were almost too much for the Elvis impersonators, until 'Elvis Weight' Spazoli used a foreign object (a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich) to his advantage, giving the Fabulous Elvis Wannabes their first championship belt. 'Elvis Weight' will have to wait for his to be custom fit for him, as he got peanut butter all over it.
Match 4 with The Blue Reverend was up next, engaging in fisticuffs and wrestling moves against the undefeated Tee-Wah, Master of Martian Catharsis. The Blue Reverend employed several of his famous moves, including his version of the Boston Crab -- a.k.a. the Pittsburgh Giraffe, and the Mega Push. Despite Tee-Wah's knowledge of otherworldly methods of combat, including Venusian aikido, the Blue Reverend was the victor after using his patented move, the Slap of Truth.
Match 5 had Zitz The Depressed Mechanic and Colonel Tom Party, accompanied by his contingent of dancing sailors, was a contrast in skills, not to mention moods, as Zitz tried to bring down the excitement of the stadium. Colonel Party would have none of this, as he defended his Highway Off-Ramp Championship belt, eventually subduing the Depressed One when he circumnavigated the Blessed Steering Wheels of Hyundai and got the 1-2-3 for the pin to retain his title.
Match 6 saw the very massive mountain of manly mania, Jumbo Jimbo, take on the wolf of Wall Street, that carnivorous king of the boardroom, Businessman Buddy Contract with his manager, the Inhuman Resources Manager. The two were engaged in a decent fight, until Buddy Contract and his manager tried to stop the Mountain of Masculinity, by dropping a 500-pound anvil on him from the roof of the stadium, but the doctors cleared the big man, saying it was just a flesh wound. Jumbo Jimbo then did a perfect moonsault from the top rope to squash his opponent and get the win.
Funeral services for Buddy Contract take place a week from next Tuesday.
Match 7 closed the evening with 23 minutes of footage chronicling the feud between the championiest champion the MSWF has ever seen, Wildcat Cristo Di Pootis and The Masked Lord of Danforth Road. The World Champion arrived with his pet, Fang The One-toothed Goldfish of Peru. Undaunted, The Masked Lord stepped into the ring and slipped on an errant booger left behind by The Mighty Booger. With his arm in a sling, the match began when Queen Bactavia raised her skirt and declared war on Costa Rica. After Wildcat performed a pile-driver, a clothesline, a spear, an arm-bar, and a dropkick, Di Pootis put his glasses on and realized that he'd beat up the referee by mistake. The Masked Lord then took advantage of the champion by grabbing his own trunks, and accidently pinning himself. Wildcat remains your championing champion.
The next pay-per-view is coming soon, and tickets now on sale everywhere except Canada, the USA, the UK, France, Germany, Australia, Portugal, China, Japan, Antarctica, Brazil, Ecuador, Argentina, Algeria, Cameroon, Greenland, Finland, Zimbabwe, Yemen, Sweden, Cuba, Uganda, the Philippines, and San Diego. Front row; $1800.13, all other seats $1.75. Free Diet Pepsi for anyone that can last three minutes in the ring with Jumbo Jimbo.