This Week's Latest Wrestling Pay-Per-View Results

Written by Stefano M. Stefano

Saturday, 6 July 2019

Results from the Blood and Guts Smasheroo Armageddon Hurts! Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation pay-per-view from the bristling catharsis that is the town of Orangeville, Ontario, with a population of 28,900! Orange you glad you live in a bigger city?!;

Match 1: Ron Oops and Herpes Henderson opened the show with their 428th match, and fought to a 23-second time-limit draw. Kudos to both wrestling superstars for that stellar effort! That's why they're both worth the $2.5 million they're paid every year!

Match 2: Bob Loblaw vs The Dreaded Toe-Nail and his loyal Man-Servant, Jean-Luc Jardine The Great resulted in a double count-out when the Dreaded Toe-Mail took off his socks and Bob Loblaw knocked him out with his Elbow-Of-Doom! outside the ring.

Match 3: The Giant Dwarf vs. Blimpto Williams The Human Dump Truck was a clash of leviathans, that saw the two huge men fight for the honor of gigantitude! The Giant Dwarf was defeated after Blimpto used his reverse back-up maneuver, and was distracted by the Beep!-Beep-Beep! sound heard over the speakers of the auditorium.

Match 4: Ting-Za Master of the Oriental Spoon vs Ken Puppets with Barky The Wonder Dog at his side defeated Ting-Za when he distracted him with his life-like puppets of Ting-Za's proctologist and parole officer, but not before Barky pissed on Ting-Za's magical Robes of Diabolic Ruthlessness. Side note: the referee was revealed to be Mitchell Nuck! O! M! G!

Match 5: Zingo And Percy, The Bloopee Brothers were the surprise opponents for Chuck The Horny Commie and The Darstardly Mr. Leotards in a no disqualification, no submission, no lights match. The fight was epic and a once in a lifetime event that was sure to please fans of the Bloopee Brothers...but it was too dark to see and nobody knows who won.

Match 6: The Funky Toad and D.J. Jazzy Corn fought their old enemies, Vasmudi and Kumladi, The Buddah Beaters for the Indian Ocean Tag Team Championship.The Combatants had agreed to Portuguese Rules, which included amongst the 27 conditions;: no floor, no ref, only foreign objects from the Madiera Islands allowed against your opponent, and most importantly, raccoons MUST remain outside the ring! Using his patented Oh-God-That-Really-Hurts finishing move, D.J.Jazzy Corn brought the Championship back to him and The Funky Toad! Orangeville went wild!

Match 7: The Mongolian Hairstylist and his Camels of Trickery, with his manager, The Clapper, returned from their sabbatical in Philadelphia to take on Canary-Man in a one-sided World Grand Champion Belt match to say the least. 77-year old Canary-Man was too much for the Mongolian Hairstylist-- back to Philly for you, M.H.!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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