Results from the Ultra-Mega-Doom-Colossal-Extravaganza 5 Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation pay-per-view from the thriving metropolis of Pickering, Ontario, Canada (population 91,771, most of which who would rather live in Toronto):
Match 1: Art 'The Fart' Livingstone pinned The Cup Of Death at the 9-second mark. This was 6 seconds longer than their last match.
Match 2: Bruce 'Special Sauce' Beef was pinned by The Mad Norwegian, Hans, when Hans's live-in companion, Manos, entered the ring and distracted the referee with his proclamation of love for Bruce's grandmother, Henrietta.
Match 3: Horizontal-Man and El Walrus fought to a 15-minute time limit draw. They then left the ring swearing revenge on each other, Tom Cruise, Taylor Swift, and Hart Pomerance.
Match 4: It was a very short match between Gary and God. God simply smote him, like in the Bible.
Match 5: In a match that everyone in Gaudalajara, Mexico was looking forward to, the tricky and foreboding Senor Sticky-Pants with his Manager, The Compass, fought in a steel cage match against the magnificent and strangely alluring Doctor Pecker, who was accompanied by his personal stenographer, Mademoiselle Hookerpants. Neither combatant made it out of the cage, as things got out of hand. Let's just say that the Compass's arrow was broken by Hookerpants' machinations. A rematch is scheduled some time in the next four-and-a-half years.
Match 6: Steinke, Reinke, and Schneike, a.k.a.The Sausage Men, are your new Tag Team Champions after they defeated former champions, Tony Soapscum and his cousin, The Mighty Luigi in a Falls-Count-Anywhere match. The Mighty Luigi proved not so mighty when he was pinned by Schneike while he was asleep in his room at the Motel 6 where he was staying at.
Match 7: In the dreaded Hanuu Virta Match, in which the Virta Septor must be obtained by climbing the Serpentine Pole of Adventure, Fanto, The Magician Of Life, was victorious over Constantine III, The Emperor Of The Dakotas, after he used a foreign object in the ring, namely his Harley Davidson motorcycle, when the referee wasn't looking.