The Latest Wrestling Pay-PerView Matches And Results

Written by Stefano M. Stefano

Saturday, 10 August 2019

Transmitting on free really expensive Pay-Per-View, cable, internet, and CB Radio, the Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation's latest pay-per-view, Summer of CRASH-SMASH-BASH-OOOF-OUCH-AARGH!!, emanated from the languorously locus of superbness, a.k.a. Barrie, Ontario.

Match 1; The opening match was a non-title, non-exciting, no-nonsense match between local talent, The Fantastic Spoon, and the wickedly wizard of punishment, Mister Suitcase. After an Airport Arrival move, followed by the Missing Luggage submission move, The Fantastic Spoon tapped out, muttering 'Fork you' or 'How am I going to explain this to Mrs. Spatula?'. Or something along those lines.

Match 2; The Devious One, Kleepto and his Chauffeur, Lucifer, were up next against the 1 and 124 Bob Knuckles. Despite the odds against him, Knuckles used all fifteen of his submission moves against The Devious One to no avail. However, the tide was turned when the sky opened up and Lucifer was put into a full-nelson move by God. Kleepto threw in the towel and Bob Knuckles's record now stands at 2 and 124.

Match 3; Fan favorite, 'Mister Brazil' Pat Beans teamed up with his long-time friend and mortal enemy, Art 'Mr. Gingerbread' Kovacs against the diabolical machinations of Il Prete De la Montaigne and his bosom buddy bestie, Heehasso The Great King Of Steak Spice. The priest and the king dominated the first 49 minutes of the match, but the next 52 minutes was the stuff of legend, as Brazilian from Brazil and Gingerbread showed why the crowd in the arena are willing to dole out $185 for a Mister Brazil action figure with Action-Sitting-Down (copyright) features. The match ended in a draw, indicating that the feud will continue for hours of enjoyment for fans. And hours. And hours.

Match 4; This was a special Torpedo Match with Klondike Rules and a three-hour time limit.that lasted almost two minutes between Spleen Boy and Captain Liver. The match was cut short when the Latin announcers table was smashed to bits and couldn't call the play-by-play action for egghead wrestling fans.

Match 5; 'Banana Hammock' Rodgers versus Buick The Car was next, and to say that Buick ran all over the Banana Hammockster would be an understatement. The Hammocked One was no match against The Sneeze From Hell from the Big Guy, nor his trademarked Skid Marks, giving the car-sized behemoth another win. A dejected Rodgers returned to the backstage area with skid marks on his hammock.

Match 6; And finally, for the Crustacean Belt championship match, 18-time world champ, The Cheese, took on 18-time non-champ, Neep, keeper of the Sacred Sidewalk of Pesci and his minions of Tartufo With the sneering Neep down on the mat after an Ultra-Nose-Poke by the champ, Gary from Row 2 seat 23, jumped over the railing and tried to get an autograph, leading to a disqualification by the referee. Gary was immediately given a long-term 11-year contract with Mighty Superstar Wrestling Federation worth $900,000,000 and a championship match at the next pay-per-view.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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