Just a year after the ball-tampering scandal in South Africa which rocked Australian cricket, the villain and cheat of that game, Steve Smith, has now been caught trying to dupe all and sundry in the Ashes series in England. His magnificent innings were marred by claims, which have now been confirmed as true, that no-one was willing to even get near the prolific batsman. Smith had waxed his bat with wombat urine, which has an intensive, pungent stench that causes the bails to expand and grip into the stumps. It also causes the wicketkeeper to step back a stride or two. Smith was adamant he'd done nothing wrong. "I'm being vilified for deploying native Australian piss. Wombat excrement of any sort is not mentioned anywhere in the world cricketing rules and articles. Nothing illegal. I feel at home when I smell the presence of a wombat. No unfair advantage involved!"
However, there was more to come. Bowlers, Pat Cummins and Josh Hazelwood were filmed wiping Vegemite onto their balls before delivering. Brown flecks were identified in their trouser pockets and were later found to originate from the concentrated yeast extract. The ball slipped on bouncing and occasionally stuck to the bat, confusing English players.
To round things off, the Ashes were proven NOT to be the historical Ashes of the series, but the remains of a dingo. A spokesman for the England Cricket Board said: "We are not bad losers, but merely wish to abide by the rules. I was suspicious of the urn from the start which was engraved 'See ya later, yer canine brute!'. A great pity indeed."
The re-run of the Ashes commences next week. Bats and balls of the Australian team have been confiscated. The visitors from down-under will be provided with equipment from the local grammar school. "Don't worry", added the spokesman, "they'll still win..."