Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 5 April 2019

image for Grand National 2019: Grandmother's Analysis
One runner that left the distance

The Grand National, the greatest horse race in the world over the most challenging four miles horses are likely to encounter, is upon us once again, and Enfield grandmother, Joyce Fishburn, is one of millions of women across the UK who like to have a flutter at Aintree.

Joyce, 62, who doesn't know where Aintree is, and doesn't care, has a framed picture of two horses on her living room wall. She said:

"I bought it from Wilko. It was only 99p. I love horses!"

She commented on the fine condition of the National runners:

"They look so wonderful with their shiny, glossy coats! And their muscular bodies. And their flowing manes! But I don't like it when they start sweating, and frothing at the mouth. All that white stuff - it makes them look like they've got rabies!"

She went on:

"I wouldn't like to be a horse, though. I've heard they feed them on hay. I mean, hay! It's not much to look forward to, is it, for breakfast, dinner and tea?"

And she has fond memories of horses from her childhood:

"I remember we used to eat horsemeat during the War. It was a bit tough, but we didn't complain in those days. It was a case of just getting on with it!"

About the race, Joyce had this to say:

"I'm no expert, but I think the winner will be the one who 'stays the distance', because a horse that 'leaves the distance' has no chance, has it? That's just common sense."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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