Gok Wan Sweeps Through Grand National On Ladies Day

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Friday, 10 April 2015


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She kept Aintree immaculate in 1823: 'Frankenstein' author Mary Shelley, yesterday.

Fashion guru Gok Wan swept through Liverpool's Aintree racecourse today on the first day of his Grand National Clean Up campaign.

Britain's favourite mincing wierdo wowed the racegoers on Ladies Day, which was just the first day in what is sure to be a fabulous weekend in which he really cleans up.

"Gok is really excited to have won the Cleaning Contract for this year's Grand National meeting", said an Aintree spokesperson, "and we are equally pleased to have him. We are really looking forward to a successful association with Gok and we are confident that we will be able to enjoy a spotless racecourse and clean loos, unlike last year, when that Boy George never turned up, the idle get."

Gok Wan is bringing a fantastic team with him. Frankie Dettori will be mopping up in the Gents, sweeping up and cadging cigarettes off the punters in the car park, and hoovering under the tables in the restaurant; X Factor star Rebecca Ferguson will be swilling out the Ladies, emptying the sanitary bins, cleaning up the discarded betting slips and changing the jockeys' bedding straw; and annoying Irish bore James Nesbitt was set to wander the course naked with a flower stuck in his anus serenading the Ladies Day audiences, before getting down to replacing the toilet rolls, filling up the soap dispensers and clearing away all the horse dung with his own toothbrush.

"I for one am looking forward to being able to wander the course freely this year without being ankle-deep in human excrement and horse shite", said ageing ex posh jockey Brough Scott, who became a jockey after failing as a dummy for ventriloquist Ray Alan. "It was terrible last year when that bone idle little waster Boy George didn't turn up, the lazy cunt."

"Gok, Frankie, Rebecca and James make a fantastic team", said the Aintree spokesperson. "They are sure to deliver a racecourse to be proud of, unlike last year when that useless nonce Boy George didn't turn up, the idle bastard."

The highlight of Ladies Day was the Clean Hands competition, judged by Gok and Rebecca Ferguson outside the toilets. "Imagine doing that last year", quipped Brough Scott. "That little get Boy George didn't even turn up. There was no soap in the dispensers and you were wading up to your neck in piss in them toilets. Howay man, it was terrible."

Gok Wan is said to be delighted to be upholding a tradition of celebrity cleaners which Aintree has maintained for many years. Such luminaries as Mary Shelley, Florence Nightingale and Quintin Hogg have kept the course free of human and equine detritus in the past.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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