More transfer news coming at you quicker than a speeding train as you lie on the tracks of life. After keeping our ears on the ground and risking getting trampled on Back and to the Left news have caught wind of five more transfer "done" deals.
• Julian Draxler Wolfsburg to Arsenal: It's the beginning of August and much like every year Arsenal have been linked with the German starlet. Usually used as a smokescreen to mask the fact the club is trying to tie up a deal for an unknown Korean winger. With the news that Draxler is about to sign for the gunners expect a different player to turn up at the Emirates.
• Harrison Ford Star Wars Franchise to Star Trek franchise: Beloved actor Harrison Ford is about to take his trademark swagger and style from one Universe to the other. Sources claim that Ford is in talks with Star Trek and is looking to turn his popular Han Solo character into a Federation Captain. Settlement terms in the region of £175mill are being discussed by the two franchises. This deal looks like it go through in the next few days.
• Nile Ranger Free Transfer to Jail: The man's a berk and has his own name tattooed on his face to save him time during police investigations. Having being gifted a football career he's managed to piss it away quicker than a nervous shag with your mistress. Probably going to jail for flogging nicked car stereos.
• Theo Walcott Arsenal to ASDA: ASDA have a shelf stacking position available and feel the Arsenal winger could be the man to fill it.
• Orlando Bloom Acting to Porn: He was pictured paddling naked. It's obvious he's pushing for a move into the pornographic industry. Good luck Orlando!
More as we get it. Or more accurately: More as we steal it from other more reputable news sites.
