Transfer Speculation Part Two

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 31 July 2016


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Here at Back and to the Left news we have our fingers on the pulse of the transfer market and let us tell you it's not a cadaver. Many other news outlets will scream about "hot tips" and "near certainties" when in reality they overheard a bloke on the bus talking about his FIFA game. But have no fear! We have genuine sources (Not HP this time) located inside some of the top footballing institutes in the world and here are some of the nearly done deals coming out of planet football this week.

1. Arda Turan Barcelona to Arsenal: Arsene Wenger has a abundance of attacking midfielders and desperately needs a centre half so this move makes perfect sense. Arda is a skilful attacking midfielder who can do the same job as Ozil, Ramsey, Wilshire and Iwobi in a Arsenal team seemingly hell bent of turning every game into a 5-4 goal fest

2. Diego Costa Chelsea to MMA: Diego has always been a controversial character on and off the pitch (where he thumped a goat at a petting zoo because it was looking at him funny) and now his aggressiveness has come to the attention of the MMA. A bid of £35million is expected to be launched today with sources close to the player (but not too close in case he nips them) welcoming the move.

3. Mauouane Fellaini Manchester United to BT: Always on the look out for telephone poles BT have contacted United over a possible swap deal involving free internet access and Fellaini. This has been reported to have been rejected by Mourinho as Fellaini fits into his grand plan of parking the bus and hoofing it up to a target man.

4. Ryan Mason Tottenham to FC Mongolia: Remember when this guy got a England cap? Fuck me The Roy Hodgson days were seriously dark for English football.

5. Rumer Luna Dos Sanchez Free Agent to Stoke: His agent called up Graham Souness and told him his client is the long lost brother of Neymar. Graham (being the trusting soul that he is) immediately phoned his good friend Mark Hughes to tell him to snap up such a bargain. Not like this has ever gone wrong before.

Tune in next time for more hard hitting football transfer news.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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