Toddlers Insisting on Tommy John Surgery

Funny story written by thomas o'hanlon

Monday, 4 July 2016

Dr. Omar Claude, president of Admiral University's institute of orthopedics, is alarmed at the amount of three and four-year-old boys opting for a procedure common in many professional baseball pitchers.

Ulnar collateral ligament reconstruction, most commonly known as Tommy John surgery, reconstructs the damaged UCL with parts of the patient's tendon. The procedure was first performed on Tommy John in 1974 extending his career for another decade.

The recent surge in elbow injuries and ensuing operations has left many a young fireballer feeling that the operation is inevitable.

"It's inevitable" said three-year-old Lefty Baker Jr. as translated by his father, Lefty Baker Sr. "If I can get it done now, I won't miss an entire season or two on the disabled list when I'm pitching for the Yankees" said the youngster while pooping in his pinstripe diapers.

Dr. Claude questions the ethics of the procedure. "why fix it if it isn't broke" he said "but unfortunately there are many back alley doctors performing this procedure, no questions asked, in facilities lacking legal industry standards."

Mr. Baker continued to translate although his son was snoozing. "I can throw a sippy cup clear across the goddam kitchen" said the youngster in response to the suggestion that maybe he has at least 2 decades to decide what he wants to do with his life. "Its people like you" he said as his Dad pointed a finger in this reporters face "and my wife, I mean my Mom that can't see a Cy Young award winner in the making!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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