Written by StubbornGorilla

Monday, 20 June 2016

After the fifty plus year championship drought was brought to an end by hometown basketball product, LeBron James, with an NBA title, the city of Cleveland has been brought to a standstill by disoriented and confused sports fans.

"What happened? I don't understand," was echoed throughout the city by a choir of uninitiated sports fans.

Cleveland Mayor Frank Jackson stated, "I was 18 years old the last time any team in our city won."

The 69 year old mayor went to express his own confusion as to what the Cavalier's victory meant, "I'm pretty sure we are supposed to do something now. I think the word is... celebrate? But, I can't quite remember what that entails."

The Mayor was informed that they could treat the victory much like the annual St. Patricks Day celebration, where his constituents get drunk and make fools of themselves while a parade goes on for the benefit of some very confused little kids.

Some older residents complained that times have changed so much they aren't even sure how to celebrate anymore.

"We used to be able to just flick a match into Erie and watch it burn, but now we might have to party like WVU hillbillies and burn couches instead," one cranky old fan lamented.

Authorities were warning non sports residents to prepare for inconveniences in their daily routines caused by "sports fans walking around like zombies from The Walking Dead."

"It's probably going to take a few days before these guys figure out what happened," Police Chief Calvin Williams warned.

The malaise was concentrated in the city of Cleveland, but it spread out to the entire championship starved state of Ohio.

Governor, John Kasich, fresh off his butt kicking in the Republican presidential nomination race stated, "I didn't think we knew how to win anymore!" The governor admitted that he was just about to suggest, "any serious Ohio sports fan should consider relocating to western Pennsylvania" where they "win championships like they're 1st grade participation trophies."

John Cranley, the 42 year old Mayor of Cincinnati was, "at least alive for the three prior Ohio championships," but was still "pooping his pants" during the consecutive victories in 1975 and 1976.

With 6 professional sports teams in operation (The Cincinnati Reds, Cincinnati Bengals, Cleveland Browns, Cleveland Indians, Cleveland Cavaliers, and Columbus Blue Jackets) and mostly decades of heartbreak and failure to show for it, sports fans in Ohio have by and large have forgotten what victory even means.

A poll was taken of Ohio sports fans under the age of fifty, and 35% of respondents believed that championship was a variety of apple. That number rose to a staggering 78% within the confines of Cleveland.

Although, the long awaited championship was a significant event for Cleveland sports, residents were warned to not get used to it. With the Cleveland Browns Championships being so long ago that, "kids recognize Jim Brown more for playing the guy dressed like King Tut in Mars Attacks than being the greatest running back of all time," there is no guarantee that it won't be another fifty years before some teams wins again.

LeBron Brown James decreed that his legacy will "fare better" than Brown's, but if it has to last for fifty years he is wrong. He can, however, avoid diminishing himself by not signing on to make movies about being genies or kung fu experts after his athletic career is over.

More cognizant Cleveland sports fans were advised to enjoy the celebration, but not to get too carried away. "We suggest you do not to tape over the holes in the bag heads, because you will still likely need them if you want to go watch the Browns play."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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