American Football Seeks to Learn from Soccer

Written by Frank Michaels

Thursday, 12 June 2014

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America seeks to learn from World Cup violence.

As the World Cup begins in Brazil, violent protests have spread far and wide across the nation. News and images of clashes have shocked the world but mostly in the US where the sport labeled as 'football' rarely sees such displays of affection.

Marf Alpert, mostly known to basketball but also to CBS' NFL coverage and briefly to Monday Night Football fans, spoke off the record, "Americans just show no love for their sport like soccer fans do. The last genuine riot that our brand of football saw was in 2005 when Chicago and Detroit locked up in an on-the-field brawl but even then, the fans in the stands made no attempt to join in or to take to the streets following the contest".

However, according to some mainscream wire reports, most of these protests have nothing to do with the game itself and is more directed towards seating policies. Since the World Cup was scheduled to be played in Brazil, local officials have begun enforcing older stadium rules that haven't seen such since the mid 1980s. This sudden change in tactics simply kicked the ball, so to speak.

Mr. Alpert added, "Americans have a long way to go before their brand of football can be accepted anywhere else. The world sees us as wimps, as being too comfortable in our easy chairs or stadium seats to even begin to be able to get up and draw a little blood over our favorite sport or team."

NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, who has begun rewriting the league's rules, was noted as saying, "Aside from soon eliminating kickoffs altogether and outlawing tackles without written permission at least three weeks in advance of any game, we will begin treating paying, attending fans far more poorly. Hopefully, their anger will build and inspire some degree of confrontation in stadium stands or outside either before or after each event."

In closing, Goodell added, "While we seek to make the game as safe as putting on make-up in a bathroom mirror, our fan-base deserves more of a chance to express themselves as they may choose."


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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