NFL Dad Of 12 Kids Has Father's Day Message: 'I'm The Goose Who Shot The Golden Sperm'

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Thursday, 29 May 2014


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WHO'S YOUR DADDY, WHEELING, WV -- A National Football League star who has 12 children with eight different mothers believes fatherhood has made him a better man, teaching him valuable lessons such as how to write multiple monthly child support checks without getting an arthritic cramp in his hand and not leaving a cell phone number after a one-nighter.

Veteran cornerback Antonio Cromartie will share stories of parenthood -- including how he sometimes feels like the dad on "The Cosby Show," especially since he can remember the names of the kids on the TV show, but not most of his own -- as the featured speaker for a special Father's Day-themed presentation to unwed teen-age dads at the Kevin Federline Condom Distribution Center in Wheeling.

Cromartie, who signed with the Arizona Cardinals during the off-season free agency period, will explain how he had eight kids with seven different women before settling down with a wife and having four more.

"I thought havin' kids was like gettin' interceptions," Cromartie said in an interview to promote the event. "The more balls in your hands, the more cash in your pocket.
"But I found out the hard way. The more kids on your payroll, the less cash in your pocket."

Cromartie said he's learned to write down the names of all his kids on bar napkins, so he won't struggle to remember them like he did during the 2010 version of HBO's "Hard Knocks" when he was with the New York Jets.

"Most of them got names like Will Smith's kids or Brad Pitt's kids or some kinda' fucked up Disney trolls, or some got those made-up combo names, like Shaqkobe," said Cromartie.

"But I never forget the Cosby kids' names. There's Rudy, Theo, Sarafina, Anaconda, Rihanna, the cute little Olsen twins and the fat white neighbor boy Larry Mondello."

Cromartie also said that having so many kids can be confusing, like when his wife mentioned that "Jagger" had a doctor's appointment, and he took him to the veterinarian, thinking he was their dog and not realizing he was their son.

"Whatever happened to the days of giving kids names like Joe, Mike and Tupac," he said. "Who's supposed to remember shit like Apple, Coco or Pop Tart."

While he doesn't spend much time with his first eight children, mostly because he can't remember their home addresses, nor was he present for their births, primarily because he didn't know they were being born, Cromartie still feels he has an unbreakable bond with the kids, even the ones he didn't know about until they were 2 or 3 months old, when the court papers arrived.

"I'm the goose who shot the golden sperm," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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