Hacker suspended by PGA

Written by Spicewood

Thursday, 9 May 2013

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Hacker suspended

"Slammin" Sammy Hacker, relatively unknown member of the PGA has been suspended for 90 days after he revealed on his Facebook page that he occasionally, in his suburban condo, when frying chicken, used lard.

The suspension came on the heels of a similar situation uncovered recently involving Vijay Singh, popular tournament player, who admitted using deer antler spray in minuscule amounts. His caddy had suggested the use of the antler spray to help a bad back.

When confronted, Hacker freely admitted to using the lard. "My Mom and my Grammy always used lard. They rendered the stuff right there on the farm, there was no Crisco in those days, just lard, so that's what we used. I think it adds a nice rich flavor to the meat, but temperature control is very important when you use it," Hacker stated.

Under intense questioning by PGA officials, he also freely admitted to using lard in his baking of cakes as well as pies. "Nothing makes a better pie crust than lard, and it adds a nice rich fullness to cakes, keeps them moist, and what it does to sugar cookies is just wonderful."

The World Anti-Doping Agency recently added lard to its list of banned substances and the PGA relied on their findings without doing any of its own research, including whether lard even provides any performance-enhancing benefits. The WADA did, however, admit that the decision to include lard on the list was made by a Rabbi from Newark, New Jersey.

Until the investigation is completed the PGA is withholding prize monies owed to Hacker in the amount of $3.75, and a request to PGA attorney Samuel Goldstein to handle the case of behalf of the PGA was denied by Goldstein. "I wouldn't touch that," he chided.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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