Under Armor Creates Muscle Building Shirt

Funny story written by Sebscholl

Monday, 8 April 2013

4:30am - CHICAGO - Consumers anxiously line up at local sporting stores to be the first persons to purchase Under Armor's newest product, The Commitment Shirt®. Featuring the company's latest technology, which promotes muscle growth for the wearer, this is no ordinary athletic garment.

After years of market research and product development, Under Armor CEO, Kevin Plank, feels that his team has struck oil. "For years we've consistently received customer complaints. One message that has been regularly received, though, was that our products weren't delivering customers the fitness results they desired. This inspired me to pull together the team, brainstorm, and develop The Commitment Shirt®", said Plank during an interview at the company's Baltimore headquarters last week.

Many are still skeptical of the shirt's muscle building ability. Even though data collected from product testers has shown results far surpassing expectations. In summary, testers who wore the shirt at least three times a week for two month began to see measurable improvements in their muscle development. Additionally, results were magnified in users who also practiced healthy eating regimens.

The Commitment Shirt® utilizes the most cutting edge sports lifestyle technologies. By placing a microscopic gyroscope into the hem at the back of the neck, the shirt features hands free operation and is motion activated.

With 5 levels of muscle building intensity, the shirt presents a variety of fitness opportunities. Each level has been given a name by which athletes can reassure themselves of their fitness fortitude. Intuitively, the higher the level, the more muscle you will be building. This will help motivate customers to wear the shirt more often

The operations are quite simple. To turn the shirt "on", simply stand at arms distance from the nearest wall. Proceed to place hands on the wall and slowly lean forwards before pushing back out, repeating the motion eight to ten times.

Instruction Chart Showing How The Commitment Shirt® Turns On

After the shirt is turned "on", athletes are able to progressively activate the shirts Muscle Building Levels. For example, the "Animal" level is activated by repeating the same motion necessary to turn on the shirt forty to fifty times, but with both hands and feet on the ground against the ground. In addition, if movement is not detected for 30 seconds the shirt automatically goes into "rest" mode, if it remains in rest mode for an additional 30 seconds it will turn itself "off". This energy conservation feature makes The Commitment Shirt® the first EPA approved and endorsed athletic garment.

"The possibilities are endless!" Says Anthony Brown, VP of marketing at Under Armor. "We have now only scratched the surface of what's possible with this new technology. With the release of The True Commitment Shirt® coming out later this month [a similar shirt designed for athletes with more ambitious fitness goals] we definitely have our hands full. However, I excitedly anticipate the development of this same technology adapted to running shorts that will burn body fat, as well as a lead core and iron plated sports bracelet that builds arm strength. The arm bracelets are already ready for production - we are just looking for the perfect slogan to imprint on them."

Related News Articles:
- Teenager Sues Nike for Fraud After Buying Air Jordan Shoes Yet Still Not Being Able to Dunk
- 12 Technologies that Will Advance Your Child's Kick-Ball Game
- Public School Football Coach Doubts Teams Odds After Seeing Rival Schools New Uniforms

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more