Local Family Upset Adopted Black Son Won't Be Pro Athlete

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Thursday, 27 September 2012


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Heartbreaking news from Georgia today, as a local family of good Samaritans has turned to the community for assistance during trying times. The sadness felt within the Rothberg family was echoed throughout the area as neighbors and friends reached out to the family in an attempt to help them cope with the terrifying realization that their adopted black son doesn't excel at athletics.

Bill Rothberg, a prominent lawyer in the metropolitan Atlanta area, adopted young Jamal Stallworth with his wife Denise, at the age of 3, giving the young orphan his first home. While the Rothberg's were initially very high on the prospects of young Jamal, they quickly became worried when he didn't exhibit the type of superlative and exemplary athleticism anticipated when he was adopted.

"Sure he has decent hand eye coordination, but he can barely throw and he jumps like a fucking white kid. When you make the sacrifice of adopting a minority baby, you prepare yourself emotionally for the glares, the comments, the judgement. But I don't think any white parent of an adopted black child can ever admit they're prepared to watch their son be average on the playing field."

In a trend that's been rapidly increasing since the release of the hit film "The Blind Side," white families around America have been scouring orphanages in their community hoping to find the next athletic prodigy somewhere within the orgy of human suffering.

Bill Gladstone, head of a prominent national charity that works to find homes for disadvantaged children, explained why this trend of customized adoptions was a slippery slope:

"Sure, you might find yourself a top draft pick, but most of these kids have already been so mentally or physically abused that any chance of them succeeding in life is miniscule at best. As a person who has dedicated themselves to assisting orphans, I'm in favor of anything that helps kids find homes, but the increasing number of disgruntled parents has been creating a great deal of adversity within the industry."

Gladstone went on to mention that feedback and interaction with adoptive parents used to be extremely rare. However, these days his company is flooded with critique and analysis of the children they've picked up in the orphanage. One particularity livid parent spoke with the press anonymously:

"I didn't go out of my way to adopt a black kid so he could be just some other dude in a fucking cubicle. You go into the situation expecting the best, at the very least a D1 scholarship, maybe some pro ball overseas; but when they just don't take any interest in sports at all; that's when it becomes truly soul crushing."

As the national conversation heats up, it's clear the Rothberg's are not alone in their disappointment. White families throughout America are now facing decades of parenting black children, who, without any discernible talent in athletics, might as well be white.

In a response to this sociological trend, many white families are now taking a different route, with statistics showing a much higher demand for "Genius Asian children" than the more traditional "Freakishly Athletic Black Youth" who had been dominating the adoption industry for years.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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