David Ortiz Stretches his Achilles Tendon to New Lengths

Funny story written by Ossurworld

Monday, 6 August 2012

The latest DL denizen of the Red Sox continues to find healing of his heel beyond the scope of the medical staff.

Yes, the Honorable David Ortiz, DH, DL, is beginning to look and sound like he is switching his agency to Scott Boras. The original heel tendon was supposed to be ready to go a week ago.

Boras's clients have the longest healing times in sports history. Ortiz now states he must look to his baseball future, an issue some might call shortsighted for a 37-year old DH.

Now Ortiz feels he is far from ready. After 19 games hobbling around the dugout, he is thinking Carl Crawford-style rehab, including a stint in the Club Med league. When a normal injury takes a week for recovery, in Red Sox time, that is a month.

Ortiz is now telling the media he is looking into alternative medical procedures, perhaps suggesting there are a few witch doctors down in DR for those on the DL who play DH.

Homeopathic remedies are nothing new, but the Red Sox have embraced the latest craze: 4 Days in the Lineup, one day on the bench, philosophy of smarmy Ben Cherington.

Instead of improving, Ortiz seems now to be less ready than he was the day he came off the DL. He claims now to be at 60%, down from 90% a week ago. He is beginning to sound like the NYSE. We fear that Bernie Madoff has recommended his homeopathic remedy.

One alternative to help the wound inflicted on the big heel of Big Papi is for Ortiz to stick his foot into a vat of gold Kugerrands. Their legendary healing power is immense, especially for DH players on a one-year contract.

Calling Dr. John Henry. Send money immediately.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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