UNIVERSITY PARK, Pennsylvania - Penn State University spokesperson Calhoun "Lips" Lippalino called a press conference and informed the news media that the university has received a certified letter from the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association).
Lippalino explained that the letter states very clearly that the Penn State University football program will soon seize to exist.
Rufus Reno with Sports Balls Illustrated Daily asked if it was true that he had written the NCAA with a counter-proposal.
Reno was told that it was true and that the counter-proposal humbly asked that if in lieu of having the Penn State football program terminated, perhaps the school's football team could be issued with a directive prohibiting them from wearing football helmets during their football games.
The university has been instructed to close every shower stall on campus even the ones located in female restrooms.
Penn State has already complied with an earlier directive which mandated that the university place dozens of signs all over the campus stating that no male children under the ages of 16 are to be allowed on the university campus.
Another NCAA stipulation states that effective immediately the school mascot nickname will be changed from The Nittany Lion to The Nittany Lying Lion in accordance with the thousands and thousands of scandalous lies that have filtered out of the school over the past 14 years.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Word out of Washington D.C. is that the U.S. Senate may consider a bill which would close down Penn State University in order to set an example to every other college and university in America.]