Written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 3 June 2012

image for The Four Suspended New Orleans Saints Players Blame "BountyGate" On President Obama
President Obama talking on the phone with David Letterman about "BountyGate."

NEW ORLEANS - Two of the four suspended "BountyGate" players on the NFL New Orleans Saints team recently met for dinner at the luxurious Hotel Ooh La La on Bourbon Street.

Linebacker Jonathan "Bam-Bam" Vilma, who received a one year suspension, dined on Fried Jumbo Etoufée Smothered in Bayou-Grown Celery and Linebacker Scott "Boom-Boom" Fujita, who was suspended for three games, had the Crazy Cajun Capon Gumbo Marinated in Goose Gizzard Gravy.

Both players spoke with Sports Balls Illustrated Weekly reporter Rufus Reno who is on a strict diet and dined on one Gator Egg Finger Sandwich.

After their meal Vilma and Fujita ordered a 64-ounce Hurricane pitcher while Reno had a bottle of diet water.

Reno asked Vilma and Fujita if they knew where their other two suspended teammates were.

Vilma said that Anthony "Pow-Pow" Hargrove, a defensive lineman who was suspended for eight games, was reportedly attending a Demi Lovato concert at The Beer Suds Stadium in Milwaukee with his girlfriend LaVondadette "The Rack" Jeffersette.

Vilma remarked that he had no idea as to the whereabouts of the fourth player Will "Wham-Wham" Smith, a defensive end who received a four game suspension.

Fujita commented that the night before he had received a text message from Smith saying that he was vacationing down at the Olé Toro Resort Hotel in Cancun, Mexico with his wife and two close friends who happen to be New Orleans Saints cheerleaders and whose names he said he would not be revealing.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I love a challenge. I made a few phone calls and thanks to Zydeco Dupree of iRumors, who is a native of Louisiana, I was able to find out that the two Saints cheerleaders are Millie Rae Muftiquist, 24, of Ponchatoula, Louisiana, and Shaylene Snaptucker, 21, of Galveston, Texas.]

Reno asked Vilma about the "BountyGate" scandal. He turned his head as he took a drink out of his Hurricane glass and noted that he and his fellow suspended teammates are all putting the entire blame for the whole sordid incident on President Obama.

Reno asked how in the world the blame for "BountyGate" could even in anyone's wildest imagination be placed on President Obama.

Vilma replied, "I be fixin ta tell ya how Mr. Reno. The president he be da most important male in da whole nation. So he has da power ta check out stuff of a outta line nature dat be takin' place before it actually be takin' place know what I mean?"

Reno just stared at Vilma who went on to say "So seein' as how dat be da case and all, den it sho do make sense dat President Obama's secret service fellas failed ta advise da man about all of dis here fa shizzle ma nizzle junk dat be going down ya hear what I be's sayin' and all?"

Reno looked at his watch and replied that it was late and he had to go and write the story so that it could meet the morning deadline.

SIDENOTE: President Obama when asked to comment on Jonathan "Bam-Bam" Vilma's comments laughingly replied, "You mean ta tell me dat da grown man's nickname is 'Bam-Bam?' Oh my goodness dat is even funnier than Ann Coulter's nickname 'Trigger Face.'"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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